Life Is Short

This morning I found out that a guy I went to high school with's wife died. I'd only met her a handful of times. She was probably around 28, give or take a year or two (he's 30). I guess she hadn't been feeling well. He left to go pick up their two boys and by the time he got back home with them, she had died. I can't even imagine coming home to that. Wow.
Their boys are around 4 and 1. Just the thought of trying to explain it to them breaks my heart.

Of Vampires and Probes

Yesterday morning I got more blood drawn and my hcg level is 6081! I had figured it needed to be at least 5280 to be safe so that is good. I even got my sonogram yesterday afternoon. I had the normal goo on the stomach one then we had to do the transvaginal to get a better look. There wasn't much to see since it's so early. And with their measuring I'd be due 10/5 but going by my last period I have a due date of 9/28. So, I'm not really sure how far along I am or my due date yet. I was awaiting the official report back from my dr and they just called this morning. The nurse said I'm measuring smaller than we'd thought (which the ultrasound tech told me) and that they could see the heartbeat. However, it's only 89 (I think it's supposed to be around 120). I'm told it's not uncommon for it to be a little slow this early & then pick up to where it's supposed to be. So I've got another sono scheduled for the 15th to just kind of check & see.
Let you know how it goes.

That's My Baby

This morning I kept asking Faith if she was going to wear her snow boots today (it snowed a bunch yesterday). She said no, she'd wear her regular shoes. I kept asking & finally, as we were going to walk out the door, she decided she was going to wear them. I was helping her change into them so we weren't late. As I'm putting one on her she looks as me and says with bright shiny eyes and a giggle "I like to eat snow off of my boots!"
Yup ladies and gentlemen, that's my child. So proud......

In-Utero Happenings

This morning I went and got my hcg level checked. Currently it is 184.
I am currently somewhere between 4 weeks and 5 weeks (theoretically)

Normal hcg ranges:
4 weeks 5 - 426
5 weeks 18- 17,340

So, I'm in the range. I just have to wait & see what the results of my restest are on wednesday. It needs to be at least 368 for things to be going good. If it goes down, not good. If it goes up, but doesn't double, that also is not good, but I don't know exactly what it means. So, waiting for wednesday.

UPDATE: 1/30/08
Got the retest done this morning......it's 440!!!!!!!!! So far so good! The doc has been in surgery all morning but the nurse said she'd talk to him later & see if he wanted to restest later (still not high enough for a sonogram) or what. And she'll call me back & let me know. Big sigh of relief for now!
Thanks for all the happy thoughts & prayers! They seem to be working! : )

In these matters the only certainty is that nothing is certain...

For a fleeting moment yesterday, a thought occurred to me that I have not had in many years. There is a possibility that I may have a perfectly normal, uneventful pregnancy. I just kind of stopped for a second in the middle of what I was doing and thought "huh."



Fast forward to less than 24 hours later at around 4 o'clock this afternoon and I'm spotting. Just a little & it comes and goes. I keep telling myself it's early enough that it's possible it is only implantation bleeding. I'm not very convincing. However, I'm trying not to stress out about it too much seeing as there's nothing I can do at this moment. Monday morning I'll give my doc a call & see if I can go get a quantitative hcg test done (then redone wednesday morning) to see where we're at. It's still possible things could be ok. I'm just trying not to think about it.

3rd Time's the Charm....Oh. Wait.

Guess it's the 4th time. Any luck in that? I'm shaking slightly and scared how this will go.....I'm pregnant.
Stay tuned............

A Girlie Visit...... Without the Unpleasent Poking & Prodding

Well, I had a meeting with the OB/GYN. We discussed what was up with the 'ol uterus. Here's where it stands right now.
I am not technically considered "infertile" because I am able to get pregnant. If I want I can start taking clomid to try to help things along (I've taken it a couple times before...my husband "lovingly" refers to them as the crazy pills). If I want to I can wait and be patient. For those of you who don't know me in real life....I'm not known for my patience! Other than that, that's all I've got on the getting pregnant part.
Now, as far as after I succeed in becoming pregnant I wanted to know what, if anything, would be different. Nothing. Until after having 3 consecutive miscarriages (medically known as a habitual aborter, lovely term eh?) there's nothing actually wrong with me. The chances are things will be perfectly fine. He even brought up the progesterone thing before I could ask. He said that as most miscarriages happen because of problems with the fetus, there is no reason to take progesterone. In studys, the progesterone did not STOP the miscarriage, just delayed the body dealing with it. In other words, if the fetus died at 7 weeks because of problems, the progesterone would delay the body recognizing the fetus had died for a couple weeks. So, you would show no signs that the baby had died until later (or for example, you were at a check up and they were looking for the heartbeat). I know that he's right. He's very good at his job. But of course, you always wonder "what if." I guess I want a fix. If there is some genetic defect that would cause the miscarriage, obviously that would be best. However, if there's something wrong with me that's causing it, I want it fixed! I want to be able to take something to stop it from happening.
I guess for now the first step is getting pregnant again. Then we'll go from there.

WTF?!

There is an article in the magazine Cookie titled "The Pink Dress". Apparently, 4 year old Sam has a thing for pink. And now, he's decided he wants a dress. He then announces he wants to wear said dress to school. TO SCHOOL!!! Look, I'm all for letting your child express him or herself. I think it's great that they let their son wear pink. Some parents (espicially dads) may freak out at the thought of their son wearing such a "girlie" color. However, as parents, this is where you step in and say NO. This is what gets children beat up, or constantly made fun of....then when he's a teen and comes to school in his pink frilly tutu with his gun to blow half of his class away for making fun of him people will wonder why they didn't see it coming.
I don't claim to be a perfect parent. I make mistakes. We all make mistakes. However, there was so much about this article that just rubbed me the wrong way. One of the main things being:

" I shouldn't have been entirely surprised by the statement, given Sam's history on the pink side of the dress-up box, but this time something was different. ...........
........."But sweetie," I said in my best calm, concerned mommy tone, "you have two pink dresses. Your princess dress-up costumes are both pink."

I don't know about you, but most boys I know that have any costumes to play pretend/dress up in are fireman's hats, cowboy type wear, policeman or even scrubs. But mostly, just leftovers from Halloween if they're lucky enough for their mom to let them keep them out all year to play with. But not poor little Sam....

"The dress-up box at home overflows with pink tulle, lace, and marabou feathers."

Which brings me right back to my original thought......WTF??!!!?
Maybe I'm alone in my thinking. Maybe I'm just completly out of it. What do you think?

Weekend Away

Yeah yeah, I'm a slacker. Our trip to Chicago was pretty fun. We pretty much walked the "Magnificent Mile" and shopped all day! It wasn't the normal "we're on a mission" shopping trip I'm used to with the mil but a nice wandering one. The weather was alright. It snowed, then sleated, then snowed some more and then started raining! We were in & out of stores enough that it wasn't too cold and our hotel was only about a block & a half off the street we were shopping on. They have a Christkindel Market that we had wanted to go to but were pretty tired by the end of the day so we didn't. I just wish we'd have actually had time for some of the sight seeing stuff as we only shopped.

I don't even have any good pictures! As luck would have it, when I went to take a picture...my camera batteries were dead!

So, this is all I have to offer....the view from our hotel room!

Weekend Trip

Today I've taken the whole day off of work. I'm going to Chicago with my mother in law & two sister in law's (I know the correct spelling/termage is sister's in law, but it sounds funny). A month or so ago they asked if I wanted to go with them for a Christmas Shopping Trip. My thought? By the time I pay for my plane ticket, I won't have any $$ left for shopping! Which is fine with me, I just think it will be a fun trip! I've never been, other than a layover in the airport, which I don't think counts. So we're heading to KC soon to the airport then we'll be back on sunday. Maybe I'll have some pics when I get back!

Litltle Susie Homemaker

Fire up your ovens, I'm baking bread! We're heading to The Centennial State (really? That's what it's called? I thought it would be something better than that.) for Thanksgiving. I feel a bit like a slacker if I don't contribute but I don't want to take up fridge space or have to commandeer the kitchen to cook something once we get there, so I'm making some Rye Bread to take. Mmmm, rye bread. I don't buy it often becuse I don't like it with caraway seed or dill or any other such nastie stuff in it. So, I have to make it!
Also, becuase of our crazy busy Thanksgiving schedule, I'll be doing more baking probably monday evening. I'm making stromboli and cheesie jalapeno bread to take to the other part of the family here in KS. We're all over the place.

Look at all the rising bread!

Silly Little Girl

I love my daughter! She's a riot.

Last week we went to eat at Applebee's. As we were getting close she saw the sign & said "there's Applebee's", except it sounded like she said something else. I asked her what she said and she told me "I said there's Applebee's. Ya know, like Apple B E's". My 3 1/2 year old, trying to spell it out for me. Once we got inside and were seated we were just hangin out, catching up on the day. There was some song playing & Faith noticed the music. She was sitting there looking at her kids menu wiggling along to the song.



Then, just this morning, Faith was getting dressed for the day (that's a whole 'nother post on what a mess she is). Her dad was helping her pick out her clothes (reaching what she wanted but couldn't get). She came out wearing a pink, flowered, cotton dress with a long sleeved white shirt underneath and white leggings. She was happy with this, then all of the sudden she wasn't. She was all sad so I asked her what was wrong. She mumbled something I couldn't hear so I sat her on the bed & sat by her to have a chat. I asked her again what was wrong. She said she didn't want to wear this anymore. I told her if she wanted to wear her dress she had to either wear the leggings or tights becuase it's too cold out not to. She was sitting there kind of pulling at the shirt underneath and I asked her what was wrong with the outfit. She said "I look crazy". Yup, started laughing! She went & found something she deemed less crazy to wear.

Sometimes I have to remember to just stop and watch her. She just completely amazes me! It also still suprises me sometimes how much you can love this one small little person.

Soooo....this means I don't have to study, right?

No testing. As my doctor has explained it, at this point there is no need to do any testing until after the 3rd consecutive miscarriage. Reason being? Statistically the next time should be fine. Also because he says there is no reason to waste the time, effort and money and not to mention give us false hope that it'll all be figured out. Here's the deal as he explained it: Even with all the testing, the majority of the time there is no cause to be found for multiple miscarriages. And if there is a cause to be found....most of those there is no "cure" for. Basically you would be aware that you would have whatever specific condition and be aware that this could cause a miscarriage.
As the plan stands now....wait 3 months before starting to try again. However, I did bring up that it took a year & a half to get pregnant this last time. I've now got to set up an appointment in a couple months to discuss our options to address that. I have to get my blood drawn once a week until my hormone levels return to normal. Once I get myself all put back together we'll talk about I suppose drugs to take to get me knocked up.
Also on a lovely side note, thursday at work I flushed what there was of the baby. I went out & got myself severly drunk that night. I had a lovely time. Caught up with an old friend who was back (stationed in Germany, been in Iraq for the last year), met a couple new friends & could barely function with my hangover friday at work. However, I work with some very understanding people!

FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK

No baby. Monday evening I had some light spotting/bleeding. Tuesday I called the dr & went and had some blood drawn. My hcg level was 387. In 48 hours it should have at least doubled to 774. It went down to 358. So now I await the onslaught of blood, gore and cramps. I'm so excited.
I was actually holding onto a tiny bit of hope. I only had light bleeding off & on and absolutely no cramping or anything else. This. Fucking. Blows. Now I get to go to the dr next week to chat about these wonderful things. There's a chance we'll have to have some genetic testing done to see if there is something wrong, or if we just have really really sucky luck. We'll discuss & go from there. It took 1 1/2 years to get pregnant again. I really don't want to have to wait that long again. I know other people have waited longer & for some it never happens. I've been known for my bad luck. I hope this is just another one of those times.

Same Song, Second Verse: "The Big C"

I just recently found out, as did my aunt, that she has cancer. My aunt T (not to be confused with my uncle T who has cancer) is only 42 years old. They are as yet unable to find the direct source of the cancer, but it has metsastisized to her brain and paratid gland. They've decided to start treatment (as opposed to just waiting around doing nothing) while they continue to try and find where it originated.
I have not seen my aunt for 15 years. I want to go visit her now. She lives in Washington. I just keep thinking I'll have to take a long weekend, bite the bullet & buy a plane ticket and go. I just feel like if I'm going I should take Faith because that side of my family has never seen her. Then it's kind of like, well, why doesn't Matt go to? Because we can't fricken afford for all of us to go! That's why we didn't go this summer like we had wanted. We were hoping to go next summer but now I don't think that will work out.

The Rabbit Died

Hey all, I'm knocked up! Yay! Just found out yesterday & haven't really told anyone yet (except the hubby of course). I'm excited & scared. I'm kind of afraid to get my hopes up seeing how things went last time. Best guess at a due date for right now is around June 10th. That's all I've got for now!

Solution

Well, Faith has not given up on her "porn music" so her dad has taught her something new that seems to be sticking. Instead of her saying "bow chicka wow wow" she now says "bird chicken cow cow."
This morning she was saying that and asked me if I could show her a picture of a birdchickencowcow. Last week we had looked up pictures of an armadillo. She must have heard it on tv at daycare. She likes to find things on the computer.

The Big "C"

I'm taking a few moments to blog from our hotel in Colorado. The hubby & kid are napping. We're here to visit my uncle & his family. My uncle "T" has cancer in his adrenal gland. They found it I beleive 3 years ago. They gave him 6 weeks to live. I'm not sure what all he had done (surgery & various treatments) but they got it. Then, about 6 months later it came back. They've been doing various treatments in different progams since then. I don't beleive the tumors have ever shrank but they have not since grown. Just recently he was kicked out of his program he was in because his protein levels were elevated so they would no longer allow him to be there. As they're scrambling to find him a new program to get in to, they find out he's got tumors on his heart. Now they have to see if a doctor will remove them. They were supposed to find out friday, but something came up (the doctor had an emergency). Now they're hoping to get the call tuesday. Thing is, I hear his chances of making it through the surgery are not very good. However, if he doesn't have the surgery, he's looking at a heart attack anytime or pnemonia and dieing from that. He's pretty well damned if he does & damned if he doesn't. As much as all this sucks, it's worse. He's got three small children. The oldest is 10, then 8 & 6.
So, at his request we've all converged on his house for the long weekend (about 40 of us). I haven't seen him for a couple months and I have to say, he looks horrible. He is sooo thin & exhausted looking. There is concern amongst the family that this is it. That the next time we all gather will be for his funeral. Everyone is scared that he won't even make it to Thanksgiving. To try to be positive, he's had 3 more years with his children than the doctors ever thought he would, but that is little comfort. Not being around him and his wife & kids a lot, I wonder how much of it they get. If they've even been told that daddy won't be around much longer.

*UPDATE*
Found out yesterday that they are unable to operate. I guess now that just have to decide what treatment options are available.

On Parenting....

My greatest hope is that my daughter (and any future children) don't HATE me. This is not the petty "I hate my parents because they won't let me ______". I'm talking about the plotting to run away, despise your parents, miserable existance of a childhood that you're actually considering killing yourself to not have to be around them HATE. Yup, that was me.

My Mom & Stepdad:
There was a point that I truly HATED my parents. I'm not sure of all the reasons why. To be honest, I try not to think about it. I was miserable. We get along now & I'm a little worried that I would start to hate them again if I tried to figure out the whole mess.
During the summers my older sister & I would have to watch our 3 younger siblings all the time. We were very rarely allowed to go do things with our friends. If they did call and ask it woud take a minimum of 20 minutes to get an answer then it was usually "no", so eventually friends quit calling.
If I were to get in trouble for something, it wasn't a you did this wrong, this is your punishment. It was several hours of yelling and fighting with nothing resolved. Depending on what it was, sometimes the belt came out. Oh yeah, good fun.
I got in trouble if I didn't have good grades. Yeah, you're thinking "who didn't". However, the screwed up part of this whole system? When I got home from school, I had chores to do (laundry for a familiy of 7), dishes etc. not to mention watching the younger siblings. Then there was fixing supper, then guess what, dishes again. So after all of this was done, we were allowed to do homework until our bedtime. Let me tell you. This was not much time. This whole screwed up parent thing was just my mom & stepdad. My dad is a whole 'nother thing.

*let me just say, it got much worse than this. I just can't get into it right now (or maybe ever)

My Dad:
My dad was absent to say the least. We would see him in the summers for awhile. You know how many times I have spoken to my father in the last six or more years? Twice. Do you know why I spoke to him? Wrong. Fucking. Number. I gave him my cell phone number probably shortly after I got it in 1998. My dad called me somtime in early 2006. I didn't even know who he was at first. By the end of our short conversation I was pretty sure it was him only because he sounded a little like my grandpa on the phone. Then he called me again I think last March. Once again wrong number. Both times he was trying to call his boss. Her name starts with an "s" so apparentley I was next to her in his cell. So, he's got my number he just has chosen not to use it. There's not much else to say about my dad. The last time I actually physically saw him? The summer that my youngest sister was born. She turns 15 next month. Now to give him a little bit of a break here, he does live in the state of Washington. I live in Kansas. So I understood that this wasn't an everyother weekend situation, but come on! One of my stepsisters lived in TX for awhile. My dad & stepmom went down for Christmas one year. I found this out from my grandma (his mom) after Christmas. Not a word from him. Even my friend Erin was able to stop in for a few hours for breakfast one morning on her way from WA to TX. Hmm, my dad won't let me know he's in the area but a college friend will.


So, those are my parents. Have I mentioned we don't hug in my family? Or say "I love you". Personally, I prefer it that way. Mostly the hugs I got when I was little were after the hours of fighting and apparently they felt a hug was necessary. Whatever. This is one thing that will not continue with me and my kids. I tell Faith I love her all the time. She gets smothered in hugs and kisses several times a day. I tell her I miss her when I haven't seen her for awhile. And she tells me she loves me too. Sometimes after I pick her up from daycare and we're on our way home, she's sitting in her carseat behind me and says "mommy, I sure missed you today."
I really truly hope to be a good parent. I want to raise my kid(s) to be happy, well adjusted and to know that they are loved. No matter what.

Happy Birthday to You!

Today is the day that 3 fabulous people were born! My sister in law turns 33 today, my niece is 5 and my friend Erin is 27! I'd sing, but it would scare children & small animals...maybe big animals too..and maybe the elderly. I better just not do it. But I hope you all have great birthdays!