Well, plans are all taken care of. Tomorrow before we go to bed, everything is to be packed in our bags. Then, Wednesday morning it will all go into the car and we will leave right after work. I'm still really nervous about this big of a trip but not near as much as I was!
However, I am a little worried about the road conditions of the pass. It was closed less than a week ago because of the snow! I suppose if it is closed, we can crash at my cousin's house in Tacoma!
Speaking of which, my aunt who lives in Oregon just happens to be going to Seattle/Tacoma on the 19th to spend the weekend with her daughter & grandkids. So we're going to meet for lunch after our flight gets in! I'm so excited! She's like my other grandma. When we were little my mom's parents lived in KS so I really didn't know them, but my aunt J kind of took that place for us. Although I have other aunts & uncles that live in OR whom I love, aunt J is the bestest. Ever.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Friday, March 06, 2009
You Kick Ass!
So, I always knew that it takes a special kind of person the be in the military, but I never realized how special of a person it takes to make a military wife. Woman, I do not know how you do it!!!
In the last two weeks...Faith puked. The husband had a fever, chills, puked. Dominic has been teething, wheezing, coughing etc. Faith then puked again. Then, I was sick. The kids are still battling pretty nasy coughs. My kids/family do not get sick often. We're very very lucky. There were two adults and two kids. I am exhausted from the lack of sleep. I just don't know how you manage alone with multiple sick children often. You're my hero! : )
In the last two weeks...Faith puked. The husband had a fever, chills, puked. Dominic has been teething, wheezing, coughing etc. Faith then puked again. Then, I was sick. The kids are still battling pretty nasy coughs. My kids/family do not get sick often. We're very very lucky. There were two adults and two kids. I am exhausted from the lack of sleep. I just don't know how you manage alone with multiple sick children often. You're my hero! : )
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Set in Stone
The non-refundable tickets have been purchased and rental car reserved. In just over a month we will be flying in to Seattle. As I thought more about this trip I decided that I wanted to make sure that I had good pictures. And, as much as I HATE to have my picture taken, I needed to make sure I was in those pictures. I did a google search and found a photographer to come take family pictures. They will be semi-casual photos taken outside at my grandparents house. I've emailed my grandparents & dad & stepmom and told them they better put their smiles on and that I don't want to hear any whining, we're doing this! As much as I would love to see that side of the family more often, the reality is that this will not become an annual trip. I honestly don't know when we would go back again so I want to make sure that Faith and Dominic have really nice pictures with their great grandparents.
So, now I'm mentally packing all the time. Should we take the stroller? We'll take the front carrier & sling. If we have the stroller that just one more thing to lug around. I've ordered a bag for the car seats. I'm hoping Dom's car seat & Faith's booster seat will both fit in the one bag. Faith will have her backpack with some toys, a small blanket & what not to carry on. We'll take one carry on suitcase with a change of clothes for everyone & other important things. I ordered a backpack with a laptop compartment so I can hopefully use the rest of the space as a diaper bag and purse to cut down on how full our hands are changing planes. The plan is to check one big suitcase (but I worry about the weight limit) but we might have to do 2. Plus checking the bag with the car seats. The upside is, according to the airlines website, they do not charge the baggage fee for carseats. So we'll have 2 adults, 2 small children, 2 backpacks, 2 suitcases & 1 large bag full of carseats. I worry about getting from our car to check in. Once we check the large suitcase & carseats we'll be fine. I hope.
So, now I'm mentally packing all the time. Should we take the stroller? We'll take the front carrier & sling. If we have the stroller that just one more thing to lug around. I've ordered a bag for the car seats. I'm hoping Dom's car seat & Faith's booster seat will both fit in the one bag. Faith will have her backpack with some toys, a small blanket & what not to carry on. We'll take one carry on suitcase with a change of clothes for everyone & other important things. I ordered a backpack with a laptop compartment so I can hopefully use the rest of the space as a diaper bag and purse to cut down on how full our hands are changing planes. The plan is to check one big suitcase (but I worry about the weight limit) but we might have to do 2. Plus checking the bag with the car seats. The upside is, according to the airlines website, they do not charge the baggage fee for carseats. So we'll have 2 adults, 2 small children, 2 backpacks, 2 suitcases & 1 large bag full of carseats. I worry about getting from our car to check in. Once we check the large suitcase & carseats we'll be fine. I hope.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Booking a Flight
I'm currently online checking prices for flights to WA. We actually got some money back on taxes this year (thanks to the little boy) and we have decided we are going to visit my family. I'm super excited but kind of nervous. It's been 16 years since I have seen or spoken to most of them. They are, essentialy, strangers. I did not realize how nervous I was until I was trying to book our flights. It is making me physically sick. I feel nauses. I am on the verge of tears and my stomach hurts. I think it's also a little bit that I'm scared to take my kids on this big of a trip. And I have to be the responsible adult. I'm scared.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
POTUS
I'm not a hugely political person. I'm not a hard & fast republican or democrat. I've never really paid much attention to politics. I think partly because of my parents/family. It wasn't really discussed when I was growing up so it was never normal conversation.
Now I'm at the point where my ignorance is my own fault. During this last election I did follow things more & realize I do lean more towards the republican side.
I know everyone's vote counts, but my thought on this election was that there are certain votes that should NOT count. Those that voted for Obama for the sole reason that he is black and those that voted against him for the same reason. Then I think it would have been a little more fair. It may have turned out with the same result, I just don't think skin color is a good reason to vote for or against a person.
That being said, we're getting a new president today. No, I don't agree with him on some things. Yes, he seems a little shady. I just hope he does a good job.
So many people have such high expectations of him. Even if he was a guy that I agreed with on everything & thought would be the perfect man for the job I still don't know that he'd live up to the standards that people are expecting. I know it's a big deal that he's the first black president. But ya know what...get over it. He's a man with a country to run. He has a huge job & he doesn't need to worry about all the little black kids & families that think this is somehow going to change the world. I'm not saying it won't have some effect but come on. You have people saying that now, we ARE all equal. Ya know what, if our society thought that we were all equal, it wouldn't make a damn bit of difference of the color of our president's skin and people would not be making such a huge deal out of it. Also, have you noticed that on TV most of the people they stop to interview about how they feel about this day are black? Like people of other races don't have an opinon? Every TV station wants to get that story of the elderly black man who never thought he'd live to see this happen. Or the little black kid who knows now one day, he can be president too. Who ever told that little kid he couldn't in the first place? It's all just cliched & getting old.
I don't want to come across as racist so I hope nothing above seems that way. I think it's great that we've elected our first not white president, but to me, the color of his skin does not matter. It's what he does as a president for our country that matters.
Now I'm at the point where my ignorance is my own fault. During this last election I did follow things more & realize I do lean more towards the republican side.
I know everyone's vote counts, but my thought on this election was that there are certain votes that should NOT count. Those that voted for Obama for the sole reason that he is black and those that voted against him for the same reason. Then I think it would have been a little more fair. It may have turned out with the same result, I just don't think skin color is a good reason to vote for or against a person.
That being said, we're getting a new president today. No, I don't agree with him on some things. Yes, he seems a little shady. I just hope he does a good job.
So many people have such high expectations of him. Even if he was a guy that I agreed with on everything & thought would be the perfect man for the job I still don't know that he'd live up to the standards that people are expecting. I know it's a big deal that he's the first black president. But ya know what...get over it. He's a man with a country to run. He has a huge job & he doesn't need to worry about all the little black kids & families that think this is somehow going to change the world. I'm not saying it won't have some effect but come on. You have people saying that now, we ARE all equal. Ya know what, if our society thought that we were all equal, it wouldn't make a damn bit of difference of the color of our president's skin and people would not be making such a huge deal out of it. Also, have you noticed that on TV most of the people they stop to interview about how they feel about this day are black? Like people of other races don't have an opinon? Every TV station wants to get that story of the elderly black man who never thought he'd live to see this happen. Or the little black kid who knows now one day, he can be president too. Who ever told that little kid he couldn't in the first place? It's all just cliched & getting old.
I don't want to come across as racist so I hope nothing above seems that way. I think it's great that we've elected our first not white president, but to me, the color of his skin does not matter. It's what he does as a president for our country that matters.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
What have you done?
The colored ones represent what I have done. Feel free to play along if you wish.
1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band - high school, I played the clarinet & bass clarinet. No one said it had to be a "cool" band!
4. Visited Hawaii - was sooo close this summer, but was too pregnant to go : (
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland/world
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang/played a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea - nope, just the ones on the prarie
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Gotten flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating - a fish!
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Made a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee
After reviewing this list, it looks like I need to travel a little!
1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band - high school, I played the clarinet & bass clarinet. No one said it had to be a "cool" band!
4. Visited Hawaii - was sooo close this summer, but was too pregnant to go : (
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland/world
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang/played a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea - nope, just the ones on the prarie
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Gotten flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating - a fish!
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Made a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee
After reviewing this list, it looks like I need to travel a little!
Baby Weight...and the regular kind too
I have weight issues. Always have. The thinest I ever was is when I graduated from high school & started college. I did not gain the fresheman 15. I lost weight. Of course, it's not because I was eating healthy & exercising! I was on a mostly liquid diet. Alcohol liquid. I'd stay up late partying & drinking, get up hung over & not hungry. Go to class or work, depending on the day. Proabably eat a late lunch/early supper then start up the partying again! Now, I realize this was not healthy, but boy was it fun! Anyway, not a diet I care to really go back to at this point in my life.
So, my final weight when Dominic was born was, I beleive, 245. About 10 of which was gained in the last month. My weight when I became pregnant hovered around 228-232. Around the time Dominic was 5 weeks old, I weighed 213. Then, I started gaining weight back. After the holidays of eating, the most I weighed was 234. I then rejoined the gym & went on a diet. On the 1st "official" day of my diet I weighed 230.5lbs. That was December 30th. As of today I have lost 5.5lbs. Crap. I have been practically starving myself and going to the gym for ONLY 5.5 lbs. I know for 12 days that's probably good but it's still frustrating. I think the reason it frustrates me most is because of the flabby baby belly. I'm going to have to do some massive sit-ups & what not if I want to make a differnce in that area. Spending time on the treadmill & lifting weights, etc. aren't going to fix that problem.
Anyway. I hate weight. I hate being fat. I hate having a flabby belly that, by the way, is still numb. Nothing like nerve damage from a flippin c-section. I hope I can stick to my new diet. I'm basically trying to pay attention to the calories I consume. That's something I've never really paid attention to. I actually ran across this place, which I think is helping me a lot.
*By the way, I NEVER tell people my weight. Scary stuff. Don't tell anyone!
So, my final weight when Dominic was born was, I beleive, 245. About 10 of which was gained in the last month. My weight when I became pregnant hovered around 228-232. Around the time Dominic was 5 weeks old, I weighed 213. Then, I started gaining weight back. After the holidays of eating, the most I weighed was 234. I then rejoined the gym & went on a diet. On the 1st "official" day of my diet I weighed 230.5lbs. That was December 30th. As of today I have lost 5.5lbs. Crap. I have been practically starving myself and going to the gym for ONLY 5.5 lbs. I know for 12 days that's probably good but it's still frustrating. I think the reason it frustrates me most is because of the flabby baby belly. I'm going to have to do some massive sit-ups & what not if I want to make a differnce in that area. Spending time on the treadmill & lifting weights, etc. aren't going to fix that problem.
Anyway. I hate weight. I hate being fat. I hate having a flabby belly that, by the way, is still numb. Nothing like nerve damage from a flippin c-section. I hope I can stick to my new diet. I'm basically trying to pay attention to the calories I consume. That's something I've never really paid attention to. I actually ran across this place, which I think is helping me a lot.
*By the way, I NEVER tell people my weight. Scary stuff. Don't tell anyone!
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Christmas
I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas!
This was Dominic's 1st. Of course he really didn't care about presents etc. so we just got him some new toys he'll enjoy in the months to come.
I freely admit I'm completely biased....is this not THE cutest 3 month old you have ever seen?!?
Thursday, December 04, 2008
Mommy Guilt
My little man is 2 months old.
My tiny little baby had his 2 month check-up yesterday. He weighs a whopping 13lbs 2oz. That's in the 80th percentile folks. He also got 3 shots and one oral vaccine. It just breaks your heart to hear you little baby cry from those shots!
So, here's the mommy guilt.....I want to stop breastfeeding my son. It's not the breastfeeding that I have issue with, it's the pumping. I HATE pumping. I don't have the patience/attention span for it. I tried setting a schedule at work of 10:30 and 2:30. I get started then start thinking of all the crap I need to be doing at work. And since both my hands are full, I can do nothing. Don't get me wrong, my boss & all at work don't have a problem with it. They haven't said anything about it taking away from work time. If I were not working and just at home full time I don't think it would have even crossed my mind to stop breastfeeding him. It's the DAMN pumping! However I feel guilty about stopping because I know it's what's best for him. I feel guilty that I want to stop just because it's an inconvienance for me. It makes me feel selfish. I know I shouldn't feel bad. Formula is probably the best it's ever been, the closest to breastmilk and probably even better on the days I don't eat too healthy or have too much caffeine. He already gets some at daycare because I just can't pump enough to keep up with him. And that's the other thing. When I do exclusivly breastfeed him on the weekends, that is pretty much all I do. He is almost constantly attached to me. He's a growing boy & I just can't keep up with him.
I just feel bad wanting to stop without a "legitimate" excuse. Like mastitis or clogged milk ducts. (not that I want those, I'm just saying that would be a real reason to give it up!). So far I have not made the decision to stop. I am very torn between continuing to do this for him and actually having my body back to myself. We'll see.
*By the way, isn't he just the cutest!? Look at that sweet little smile!
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Well, That's Kind of Personal...
Handing a small plastic bag of milk freshly pumped from your very own boobies a mere 3 hours ago to a complete stranger is a very odd feeling. (Ok, not a COMPLETE stranger. I mean, I do trust her to take care of my children.) I just feel like the transfer to her should be completed in a package wrapped in plain brown paper.
I've been back at work a week tomorrow. So far, I'm way to busy getting caught up to spend too much time thinking about missing my baby. Don't get me wrong, I still find time! My heart hurts and I'm sad just because I know he does not get held & cuddled as much as he would like. After all, no one can love him like his mommy! (YEARS of therapy from that right there)
I've been back at work a week tomorrow. So far, I'm way to busy getting caught up to spend too much time thinking about missing my baby. Don't get me wrong, I still find time! My heart hurts and I'm sad just because I know he does not get held & cuddled as much as he would like. After all, no one can love him like his mommy! (YEARS of therapy from that right there)
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Update
Let's open with a picture........
Do you not just want to kiss on his sweet little cheeks ALL DAY!?! I love him so incredibley much (I really don't think that's spelled right..). I can not believe that come friday, he will already be one month old. It just doesn't seem like it can be that long already. Yet, at the same time, I can't remember what it was like with out him. It seems like he's always been here.
Some things I've learned about our little Dominic:
- he loves boobs. Seriously. He'll be all fussy & act like he hasn't been fed all day. So, I get him all situated for nursing. He'll eat a minute or two, pull away, then snuggle back up to my boob and shut his eyes.
- he is loud. He is a loud sleeper, grunting & squealing as he sleeps & dreams and stretches. Not only that, there is absolutely no question about when he farts/poops. He was very loud even the day he was born. I thought maybe it was all the hormones, being new to breathing air etc. and that it would quiet down a little. No such luck. His intestional tract is loud.
- he is a cuddler. He loves it when he's cuddled up in my left arm & I stroke his fuzzy little head with my right hand. I think the only thing he likes better is when he's cuddled up to a boob while I stoke his little head.
And so far, Faith is such a good big sister. She loves him very much & worries about him and checks on him all the time.I love my munchkins. I'm just so very very lucky, and I know it.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
White Trash
Do you ever sometimes just feel like white trash? Ya know, just randomly? My water was shut off today. Totally made me feel like white trash. It was not because we could not afford to pay our bill, it's because I completly and totally forgot about it. At some point in the last week or two, I found in our mail a past due notice for our water bill. I could not remember receiving our original bill this month & was looking for it. Apparently I got busy with something else and forgot about putting my check in the mail. I came home from Faith's annual checkup just after noon today to find our water was shut off. I called the city office to find out what was due & how soon they could turn it back on. I then loaded up the baby and dropped off my payment. Within an hour it was back on. I feel like such a dumbass.
Wednesday, October 01, 2008
Breast Cancer
October is breast cancer awareness month. Ironic as I am thinking about my aunt T today. She has been keeping us updated through her myspace page as to how things are going. She has been at a clinic in Mexico fighting her cancer. Yesterday she posted this:
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Time to come home..
Im writing you this with very mixed emotions today. Mom and i are planning my way home now. We had a heart to heart talk with dr W****** this morning, and it was as i had figured. Things just are not working for me fast enough. The cancer growth is just too fast to catch. Its out of control and nothing more Dr W***** can do will help slow it down , let alone stop it. In my opinion, the day i went to Tucson for the trach, was the day the cancer started to win. By the time i got back from Arizona and gave the trach time to "heal" before any treatments resumed....we had let the cancer go for over 3 weeks unchecked. That was a big mistake , but i really didnt have a choice if i wanted to breath. My body is deteriorating before my eyes...its that fast.I looked in the mirror this weekend and saw something i had not seen the week before. I was way more than just underweight, i had lost all my muscle mass. You can see my femur bones, my arms are like sticks. My once life long enourmous calf muscles are gone and they left just some loose saggy skin on a thin little leg. Its quite shocking how fast it happened. There is a word for it and i know i will spell it wrong but its "cahexia". Its when the cancer cells are stealing nutrients so fast that your fat and muscles virtually disappear. Im getting that look of a very sick cancer patient. Im not sure my own dogs would recognize me now. The other striking problem i have is the swelling in my face. As you know my cancer made massive swelling in my neck....and tumors there have turned almost rock hard making it hard to flex my jaws to chew or move my neck much at all. The most recent problem stemming from these neck tumors is that they are blocking the lymph drainage field of my face. Yes, the cancer is on either side of my face now...my face is swollen like really bad mumps...and the swelling can not drain anywhere. We have been using lasix to try and get some of the fluid to move, but as of today...most of the day my face has been so swollen on the left that i can not open my left eye anymore. its just a matter of time before the right side does as well. i dont know if they will be able to do something about it or not if i get to the hospital.. On top of this my left arm is fully ingulfed in the cancer again. Its swollen and painful. I keep it wrapped to keep swelling to a minimum, but movement is getting very limited in my left arm. I am a mess. I am guessing that if symptoms keep up at this pace , i have a limited amount of time i will be able to chew food. Sure i can swallow small things pretty good still, but opening my mouth and actually chewing are becoming very difficult due to swelling.Knowing all this about me, you can see how i would be relieved to get out of here to a hospital again. We are planning on going to Tuscon Medical again in Arizona, perhaps as soon as tomorrow morning i hope. Depends on how soon we can get Fernando to pick up his mom's van and take us. Dr W*****'s car is to small to bring most of our stuff with us. Problem is, Fernando is in the middle of trying to make a living off his fisher boat. If we cant go tomorrow morning it may be another week before i can get a ride out of here. The situation is growing quite desperate. Perhaps we will ride in Dr W******s car and just leave behind some things. He says if we still cant reach Fernando tonight, then to plan on leaving at 6am Wed morning in his car. I really feel that i need to get home soon. After we get to the hospital in Tucson i will have them admit me through emergency again to evaluate my trach, my swelling and breathing problems etc. Hopefully i can stay a few days in a hospital bed while my father and friend of the family drive out in a RV to pick me up. Mom has a hotel and car booked for herself already so she can stay with me. The drive from Arizona to WAshington should take 3-4 days of straight driving , so im glad to have access to an RV with a bed and power outlets. I dont quite understand the politics of it all, but we have been told that once we are in the Arizona hospital, we need to get in contact with the hospice people. IN turn, these hospice people will help set up hospice care in "WA" to be ready for me. So i guess that is the plan. Once we hit Arizona we will again have cell phone access and be able to contact people.It just doesnt seem real. There are so many things i realize i will never do again. Im not afraid of dying, just afraid of suffering. When its time, i want some good drugs. I dont regret coming here. At the very least, for the last 3 months i really had hope of recovery. Hope for recovery was everything. Seems for me though, there are other plans. I have tried so many things only to end up being in that group of people where stuff just didnt work....the 20% group. I really believe about 80% of people coming here do get the help they seek. Maybe when its your time...it just is. All i want now is to be home with my dogs and family. Home, where there are grocery stores with stuff i like. Hospitals within a 1/2hour drive. Friends and family. Computers, phones... Peace and quite. I had kraft macaroni and cheese today. Erika brought me back a box from the usa. Wouldnt you know it, by the time i give myself permission to eat what ever the hell i want, i can only get so many foods in my mouth and successfully swallow them. I tell you this, when im at home with my pups looking at the fireplace...i will be sipping vanilla cocoa, eatting raspberry and pumpking pie, icecream, brownies .. im gonna try a burger king burger if its soft enough..its only a short matter of time before my jaws are completely shut, so all food is fair game right now. I really want pizza, but there is no way in hell i can get it down i dont think...maybe i should try though. Thats about it for now. Once i leave here, there probably wont be any computer access till i am home in Washington. Maybe the end of next weekend? Mom and i both have our cells. My sister C****** is handling things back home, as is my friend T***.
My heart is breaking. I don't know what to do. I want to go be with them, even if it's just a long weekend. I want my children to meet her. I just don't know what to do. I am considering asking my parents to loan us the money for a trip out there. I figure I will go to her funeral (and probably take Dominic with me) but I don't want to just be at her funeral, I want to have a chance to see her.
Either way, it is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Do your part. Join the Army of Women and do what you can.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Time to come home..
Im writing you this with very mixed emotions today. Mom and i are planning my way home now. We had a heart to heart talk with dr W****** this morning, and it was as i had figured. Things just are not working for me fast enough. The cancer growth is just too fast to catch. Its out of control and nothing more Dr W***** can do will help slow it down , let alone stop it. In my opinion, the day i went to Tucson for the trach, was the day the cancer started to win. By the time i got back from Arizona and gave the trach time to "heal" before any treatments resumed....we had let the cancer go for over 3 weeks unchecked. That was a big mistake , but i really didnt have a choice if i wanted to breath. My body is deteriorating before my eyes...its that fast.I looked in the mirror this weekend and saw something i had not seen the week before. I was way more than just underweight, i had lost all my muscle mass. You can see my femur bones, my arms are like sticks. My once life long enourmous calf muscles are gone and they left just some loose saggy skin on a thin little leg. Its quite shocking how fast it happened. There is a word for it and i know i will spell it wrong but its "cahexia". Its when the cancer cells are stealing nutrients so fast that your fat and muscles virtually disappear. Im getting that look of a very sick cancer patient. Im not sure my own dogs would recognize me now. The other striking problem i have is the swelling in my face. As you know my cancer made massive swelling in my neck....and tumors there have turned almost rock hard making it hard to flex my jaws to chew or move my neck much at all. The most recent problem stemming from these neck tumors is that they are blocking the lymph drainage field of my face. Yes, the cancer is on either side of my face now...my face is swollen like really bad mumps...and the swelling can not drain anywhere. We have been using lasix to try and get some of the fluid to move, but as of today...most of the day my face has been so swollen on the left that i can not open my left eye anymore. its just a matter of time before the right side does as well. i dont know if they will be able to do something about it or not if i get to the hospital.. On top of this my left arm is fully ingulfed in the cancer again. Its swollen and painful. I keep it wrapped to keep swelling to a minimum, but movement is getting very limited in my left arm. I am a mess. I am guessing that if symptoms keep up at this pace , i have a limited amount of time i will be able to chew food. Sure i can swallow small things pretty good still, but opening my mouth and actually chewing are becoming very difficult due to swelling.Knowing all this about me, you can see how i would be relieved to get out of here to a hospital again. We are planning on going to Tuscon Medical again in Arizona, perhaps as soon as tomorrow morning i hope. Depends on how soon we can get Fernando to pick up his mom's van and take us. Dr W*****'s car is to small to bring most of our stuff with us. Problem is, Fernando is in the middle of trying to make a living off his fisher boat. If we cant go tomorrow morning it may be another week before i can get a ride out of here. The situation is growing quite desperate. Perhaps we will ride in Dr W******s car and just leave behind some things. He says if we still cant reach Fernando tonight, then to plan on leaving at 6am Wed morning in his car. I really feel that i need to get home soon. After we get to the hospital in Tucson i will have them admit me through emergency again to evaluate my trach, my swelling and breathing problems etc. Hopefully i can stay a few days in a hospital bed while my father and friend of the family drive out in a RV to pick me up. Mom has a hotel and car booked for herself already so she can stay with me. The drive from Arizona to WAshington should take 3-4 days of straight driving , so im glad to have access to an RV with a bed and power outlets. I dont quite understand the politics of it all, but we have been told that once we are in the Arizona hospital, we need to get in contact with the hospice people. IN turn, these hospice people will help set up hospice care in "WA" to be ready for me. So i guess that is the plan. Once we hit Arizona we will again have cell phone access and be able to contact people.It just doesnt seem real. There are so many things i realize i will never do again. Im not afraid of dying, just afraid of suffering. When its time, i want some good drugs. I dont regret coming here. At the very least, for the last 3 months i really had hope of recovery. Hope for recovery was everything. Seems for me though, there are other plans. I have tried so many things only to end up being in that group of people where stuff just didnt work....the 20% group. I really believe about 80% of people coming here do get the help they seek. Maybe when its your time...it just is. All i want now is to be home with my dogs and family. Home, where there are grocery stores with stuff i like. Hospitals within a 1/2hour drive. Friends and family. Computers, phones... Peace and quite. I had kraft macaroni and cheese today. Erika brought me back a box from the usa. Wouldnt you know it, by the time i give myself permission to eat what ever the hell i want, i can only get so many foods in my mouth and successfully swallow them. I tell you this, when im at home with my pups looking at the fireplace...i will be sipping vanilla cocoa, eatting raspberry and pumpking pie, icecream, brownies .. im gonna try a burger king burger if its soft enough..its only a short matter of time before my jaws are completely shut, so all food is fair game right now. I really want pizza, but there is no way in hell i can get it down i dont think...maybe i should try though. Thats about it for now. Once i leave here, there probably wont be any computer access till i am home in Washington. Maybe the end of next weekend? Mom and i both have our cells. My sister C****** is handling things back home, as is my friend T***.
My heart is breaking. I don't know what to do. I want to go be with them, even if it's just a long weekend. I want my children to meet her. I just don't know what to do. I am considering asking my parents to loan us the money for a trip out there. I figure I will go to her funeral (and probably take Dominic with me) but I don't want to just be at her funeral, I want to have a chance to see her.
Either way, it is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Do your part. Join the Army of Women and do what you can.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Just hours away.......
All right folks. I have less than ten hours 'till check in time. I am to report to the OB unit at 6am tomorrow. It's baby time!
I'm still terrified that something will go wrong. I'm really trying to think positive thoughts and it's mostly working. I'm driving myself crazy trying to decide if I've packed everything that I need. I'm also having trouble getting it to sink in that I get to meet my son tomorrow!
Stay tuned....
I'm still terrified that something will go wrong. I'm really trying to think positive thoughts and it's mostly working. I'm driving myself crazy trying to decide if I've packed everything that I need. I'm also having trouble getting it to sink in that I get to meet my son tomorrow!
Stay tuned....
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Faith
Because I've been focusing more on the "other things" here's a little something that's just Faith.
We were at my parents house this weekend. They have a gray cat named Mac that's probably about 4-5 months old (I think, I can't quite remember!). Anyway, it's out of it's tiny kitten stage but is still a young cat. Faith loves that crazy cat and it loves her. It is not a house cat but when we're there (in the beginning anyway) it would be inside some in a pet carrier because as a small kitten we were concerned about out dog playing too rough with it in the back yard. Now they're great friends....or at least don't attach each other, and the cat is no longer allowed inside. This doesn't stop Faith from trying to bring it in. Ocassionally my mom lets her bring it in if she'll sit on the floor & it sits in her lap while she pets it. So today Faith wanted to bring Mac in & hold and pet her (I think it's a her). My mom said it was alright as long as Mac was sitting in her lap. Once she no longer wanted held she had to go back out.
Faith opens the sliding patio door & picks up Mac. She then shuts the door and the cat's tail was in it! We said "oh, Faith! The cat's tail!" and I hopped up (as much as a hugely pregnant woman can hop) to open the door to free the cat. As I did, she said "Oh! Sorry Mackie" and pulled her tail out of the door! I have to tell you, I was laughing so hard I was sitting on the floor with some tears. It was so freakin hilarous!!! And that crazy cat didn't bat an eye. Obviously the door was not shut hard, just enough that her tail was a little caught. Faith then set on the floor & pet the cat and it just layed on her all stretched out & cozy.
Reading this it doesn't seem quite as "collapse on the floor in tears funny" as it did at the time. But I swear it was! I guess I just didn't do the story justice.
We were at my parents house this weekend. They have a gray cat named Mac that's probably about 4-5 months old (I think, I can't quite remember!). Anyway, it's out of it's tiny kitten stage but is still a young cat. Faith loves that crazy cat and it loves her. It is not a house cat but when we're there (in the beginning anyway) it would be inside some in a pet carrier because as a small kitten we were concerned about out dog playing too rough with it in the back yard. Now they're great friends....or at least don't attach each other, and the cat is no longer allowed inside. This doesn't stop Faith from trying to bring it in. Ocassionally my mom lets her bring it in if she'll sit on the floor & it sits in her lap while she pets it. So today Faith wanted to bring Mac in & hold and pet her (I think it's a her). My mom said it was alright as long as Mac was sitting in her lap. Once she no longer wanted held she had to go back out.
Faith opens the sliding patio door & picks up Mac. She then shuts the door and the cat's tail was in it! We said "oh, Faith! The cat's tail!" and I hopped up (as much as a hugely pregnant woman can hop) to open the door to free the cat. As I did, she said "Oh! Sorry Mackie" and pulled her tail out of the door! I have to tell you, I was laughing so hard I was sitting on the floor with some tears. It was so freakin hilarous!!! And that crazy cat didn't bat an eye. Obviously the door was not shut hard, just enough that her tail was a little caught. Faith then set on the floor & pet the cat and it just layed on her all stretched out & cozy.
Reading this it doesn't seem quite as "collapse on the floor in tears funny" as it did at the time. But I swear it was! I guess I just didn't do the story justice.
THE PLAN
.....as it stands for now anyway.
I am on the schedule for a c-section on the 24th. Although I really really don't want to have a c-section this is the way it will be. I know, I can wait longer & see if he will flip on his own. However, the most important thing to me is that this child arrives safely. I am not comfortable waiting around longer to see what happens. I'm not comfortable pressing my luck. Since he is not head down, if my water were to break I could face the problem of a cord prolapse.
This does make me a little sad though. It's not so much that this pregnancy will result in a c-section so much as that any subsequent pregnancies will end with the same result (ya know, as long as we make it full term if I happen to get pregnant again). At our hospital it is their policy to not do VBAC's. I know, some people will say that if I'm really against having a c-section I should try other things, wait etc. And, those same people will have something to say about the hospital not allowing a VBAC. Here's the thing. I'm not one to argue with medical professionals when it involves the live birth of my child (and I am not as informed at they are). The baby being ALIVE and me, also, being ALIVE are the two most important factors in my opinion. This is not to say that I take everything every doctor ever tells me as gospel and the only way things can be. I have my own thoughts, questions and opinions which I discuss with them or research to the best of my ability.
So, that is it. Ten days for this kid to flip.
I am on the schedule for a c-section on the 24th. Although I really really don't want to have a c-section this is the way it will be. I know, I can wait longer & see if he will flip on his own. However, the most important thing to me is that this child arrives safely. I am not comfortable waiting around longer to see what happens. I'm not comfortable pressing my luck. Since he is not head down, if my water were to break I could face the problem of a cord prolapse.
This does make me a little sad though. It's not so much that this pregnancy will result in a c-section so much as that any subsequent pregnancies will end with the same result (ya know, as long as we make it full term if I happen to get pregnant again). At our hospital it is their policy to not do VBAC's. I know, some people will say that if I'm really against having a c-section I should try other things, wait etc. And, those same people will have something to say about the hospital not allowing a VBAC. Here's the thing. I'm not one to argue with medical professionals when it involves the live birth of my child (and I am not as informed at they are). The baby being ALIVE and me, also, being ALIVE are the two most important factors in my opinion. This is not to say that I take everything every doctor ever tells me as gospel and the only way things can be. I have my own thoughts, questions and opinions which I discuss with them or research to the best of my ability.
So, that is it. Ten days for this kid to flip.
Monday, September 08, 2008
Back from the Doctor....
Well I learned a few things this morning at my appointment. My baby is a little big, but not scary huge! Although there is extra amniotic fluid and that can be a sign of other problems they see no other signs that would indicate a problem. I'm just in the category of extra fluid for no known reason. As far as the subject of baby being breech this is what I've got:
1) wait & see if he'll flip on his own. Usually they don't at this point (although they can) because they've pretty much run out of room. However, with the extra fluid in there for him to float around in he might actually have room.
2) schedule an external inversion. Obviously this has some risks. Not only do you have the risks to the baby to take into consideration, there's also that there's only about a 50% chance this will work. Then, even if it does work, there's a 5% chance he'll flip back. Which actually is a little higher since I have extra fluid. And then there's the fact that this is quite an uncomfortable procedure.
3) give up & just schedule a c-section.
I'm pretty much going for choice #3 hopeful that choice #1 ends up hapening! They'll schedule the c-section for about 2 1/2 weeks from now (I don't have a date yet, maybe tomorrow. If not I'll know next week.) and we'll go from there.
Also, I almost forgot...aparentley the thought of my water breaking was enough to make to good doctor have a chuckle. With the extra fluid he imagines it will be quite a mess. Glug glug...
1) wait & see if he'll flip on his own. Usually they don't at this point (although they can) because they've pretty much run out of room. However, with the extra fluid in there for him to float around in he might actually have room.
2) schedule an external inversion. Obviously this has some risks. Not only do you have the risks to the baby to take into consideration, there's also that there's only about a 50% chance this will work. Then, even if it does work, there's a 5% chance he'll flip back. Which actually is a little higher since I have extra fluid. And then there's the fact that this is quite an uncomfortable procedure.
3) give up & just schedule a c-section.
I'm pretty much going for choice #3 hopeful that choice #1 ends up hapening! They'll schedule the c-section for about 2 1/2 weeks from now (I don't have a date yet, maybe tomorrow. If not I'll know next week.) and we'll go from there.
Also, I almost forgot...aparentley the thought of my water breaking was enough to make to good doctor have a chuckle. With the extra fluid he imagines it will be quite a mess. Glug glug...
Thursday, September 04, 2008
Updates
Well, hello all! I've got some news from my last apointment. I'm measuring too big for how far along I am. Like a dork, I forgot to ask HOW big, but I did have to have another sonogram. Results are:
Baby too big
Baby breech
Too much amniotic fluid
Probable C-section
At my next apointment on Monday we'll discuss all of the above. I don't really know what too much amniotic fluid means. I found this wonderful info to scare myself. I'm trying not to worry about it too much right now. Seeing as I don't know how much excess fluid I have (it may just be a little, right?) there is no sense in getting too worked up about it. Right now the baby is still moving plenty so I know for now he's doing ok in there.
As far as me, I'm more tired & having short bouts of very uncomfortableness (that's a word, isn't it? If not it should be.) but over all doing pretty good. I've been feeling quite unprepared and not ready from time to time. Then, I get all excited & can't wait for baby time! However, ready or not, it's getting close!
Baby too big
Baby breech
Too much amniotic fluid
Probable C-section
At my next apointment on Monday we'll discuss all of the above. I don't really know what too much amniotic fluid means. I found this wonderful info to scare myself. I'm trying not to worry about it too much right now. Seeing as I don't know how much excess fluid I have (it may just be a little, right?) there is no sense in getting too worked up about it. Right now the baby is still moving plenty so I know for now he's doing ok in there.
As far as me, I'm more tired & having short bouts of very uncomfortableness (that's a word, isn't it? If not it should be.) but over all doing pretty good. I've been feeling quite unprepared and not ready from time to time. Then, I get all excited & can't wait for baby time! However, ready or not, it's getting close!
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
