Update

Let's open with a picture........

Do you not just want to kiss on his sweet little cheeks ALL DAY!?! I love him so incredibley much (I really don't think that's spelled right..). I can not believe that come friday, he will already be one month old. It just doesn't seem like it can be that long already. Yet, at the same time, I can't remember what it was like with out him. It seems like he's always been here.

Some things I've learned about our little Dominic:

• he loves boobs. Seriously. He'll be all fussy & act like he hasn't been fed all day. So, I get him all situated for nursing. He'll eat a minute or two, pull away, then snuggle back up to my boob and shut his eyes.


• he is loud. He is a loud sleeper, grunting & squealing as he sleeps & dreams and stretches. Not only that, there is absolutely no question about when he farts/poops. He was very loud even the day he was born. I thought maybe it was all the hormones, being new to breathing air etc. and that it would quiet down a little. No such luck. His intestional tract is loud.


• he is a cuddler. He loves it when he's cuddled up in my left arm & I stroke his fuzzy little head with my right hand. I think the only thing he likes better is when he's cuddled up to a boob while I stoke his little head.

And so far, Faith is such a good big sister. She loves him very much & worries about him and checks on him all the time.

I love my munchkins. I'm just so very very lucky, and I know it.

White Trash

Do you ever sometimes just feel like white trash? Ya know, just randomly? My water was shut off today. Totally made me feel like white trash. It was not because we could not afford to pay our bill, it's because I completly and totally forgot about it. At some point in the last week or two, I found in our mail a past due notice for our water bill. I could not remember receiving our original bill this month & was looking for it. Apparently I got busy with something else and forgot about putting my check in the mail. I came home from Faith's annual checkup just after noon today to find our water was shut off. I called the city office to find out what was due & how soon they could turn it back on. I then loaded up the baby and dropped off my payment. Within an hour it was back on. I feel like such a dumbass.

Breast Cancer

October is breast cancer awareness month. Ironic as I am thinking about my aunt T today. She has been keeping us updated through her myspace page as to how things are going. She has been at a clinic in Mexico fighting her cancer. Yesterday she posted this:

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Time to come home..
Im writing you this with very mixed emotions today. Mom and i are planning my way home now. We had a heart to heart talk with dr W****** this morning, and it was as i had figured. Things just are not working for me fast enough. The cancer growth is just too fast to catch. Its out of control and nothing more Dr W***** can do will help slow it down , let alone stop it. In my opinion, the day i went to Tucson for the trach, was the day the cancer started to win. By the time i got back from Arizona and gave the trach time to "heal" before any treatments resumed....we had let the cancer go for over 3 weeks unchecked. That was a big mistake , but i really didnt have a choice if i wanted to breath. My body is deteriorating before my eyes...its that fast.I looked in the mirror this weekend and saw something i had not seen the week before. I was way more than just underweight, i had lost all my muscle mass. You can see my femur bones, my arms are like sticks. My once life long enourmous calf muscles are gone and they left just some loose saggy skin on a thin little leg. Its quite shocking how fast it happened. There is a word for it and i know i will spell it wrong but its "cahexia". Its when the cancer cells are stealing nutrients so fast that your fat and muscles virtually disappear. Im getting that look of a very sick cancer patient. Im not sure my own dogs would recognize me now. The other striking problem i have is the swelling in my face. As you know my cancer made massive swelling in my neck....and tumors there have turned almost rock hard making it hard to flex my jaws to chew or move my neck much at all. The most recent problem stemming from these neck tumors is that they are blocking the lymph drainage field of my face. Yes, the cancer is on either side of my face now...my face is swollen like really bad mumps...and the swelling can not drain anywhere. We have been using lasix to try and get some of the fluid to move, but as of today...most of the day my face has been so swollen on the left that i can not open my left eye anymore. its just a matter of time before the right side does as well. i dont know if they will be able to do something about it or not if i get to the hospital.. On top of this my left arm is fully ingulfed in the cancer again. Its swollen and painful. I keep it wrapped to keep swelling to a minimum, but movement is getting very limited in my left arm. I am a mess. I am guessing that if symptoms keep up at this pace , i have a limited amount of time i will be able to chew food. Sure i can swallow small things pretty good still, but opening my mouth and actually chewing are becoming very difficult due to swelling.Knowing all this about me, you can see how i would be relieved to get out of here to a hospital again. We are planning on going to Tuscon Medical again in Arizona, perhaps as soon as tomorrow morning i hope. Depends on how soon we can get Fernando to pick up his mom's van and take us. Dr W*****'s car is to small to bring most of our stuff with us. Problem is, Fernando is in the middle of trying to make a living off his fisher boat. If we cant go tomorrow morning it may be another week before i can get a ride out of here. The situation is growing quite desperate. Perhaps we will ride in Dr W******s car and just leave behind some things. He says if we still cant reach Fernando tonight, then to plan on leaving at 6am Wed morning in his car. I really feel that i need to get home soon. After we get to the hospital in Tucson i will have them admit me through emergency again to evaluate my trach, my swelling and breathing problems etc. Hopefully i can stay a few days in a hospital bed while my father and friend of the family drive out in a RV to pick me up. Mom has a hotel and car booked for herself already so she can stay with me. The drive from Arizona to WAshington should take 3-4 days of straight driving , so im glad to have access to an RV with a bed and power outlets. I dont quite understand the politics of it all, but we have been told that once we are in the Arizona hospital, we need to get in contact with the hospice people. IN turn, these hospice people will help set up hospice care in "WA" to be ready for me. So i guess that is the plan. Once we hit Arizona we will again have cell phone access and be able to contact people.It just doesnt seem real. There are so many things i realize i will never do again. Im not afraid of dying, just afraid of suffering. When its time, i want some good drugs. I dont regret coming here. At the very least, for the last 3 months i really had hope of recovery. Hope for recovery was everything. Seems for me though, there are other plans. I have tried so many things only to end up being in that group of people where stuff just didnt work....the 20% group. I really believe about 80% of people coming here do get the help they seek. Maybe when its your time...it just is. All i want now is to be home with my dogs and family. Home, where there are grocery stores with stuff i like. Hospitals within a 1/2hour drive. Friends and family. Computers, phones... Peace and quite. I had kraft macaroni and cheese today. Erika brought me back a box from the usa. Wouldnt you know it, by the time i give myself permission to eat what ever the hell i want, i can only get so many foods in my mouth and successfully swallow them. I tell you this, when im at home with my pups looking at the fireplace...i will be sipping vanilla cocoa, eatting raspberry and pumpking pie, icecream, brownies .. im gonna try a burger king burger if its soft enough..its only a short matter of time before my jaws are completely shut, so all food is fair game right now. I really want pizza, but there is no way in hell i can get it down i dont think...maybe i should try though. Thats about it for now. Once i leave here, there probably wont be any computer access till i am home in Washington. Maybe the end of next weekend? Mom and i both have our cells. My sister C****** is handling things back home, as is my friend T***.

My heart is breaking. I don't know what to do. I want to go be with them, even if it's just a long weekend. I want my children to meet her. I just don't know what to do. I am considering asking my parents to loan us the money for a trip out there. I figure I will go to her funeral (and probably take Dominic with me) but I don't want to just be at her funeral, I want to have a chance to see her.
Either way, it is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Do your part. Join the Army of Women and do what you can.