White Trash

Do you ever sometimes just feel like white trash? Ya know, just randomly? My water was shut off today. Totally made me feel like white trash. It was not because we could not afford to pay our bill, it's because I completly and totally forgot about it. At some point in the last week or two, I found in our mail a past due notice for our water bill. I could not remember receiving our original bill this month & was looking for it. Apparently I got busy with something else and forgot about putting my check in the mail. I came home from Faith's annual checkup just after noon today to find our water was shut off. I called the city office to find out what was due & how soon they could turn it back on. I then loaded up the baby and dropped off my payment. Within an hour it was back on. I feel like such a dumbass.

Breast Cancer

October is breast cancer awareness month. Ironic as I am thinking about my aunt T today. She has been keeping us updated through her myspace page as to how things are going. She has been at a clinic in Mexico fighting her cancer. Yesterday she posted this:

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Time to come home..
Im writing you this with very mixed emotions today. Mom and i are planning my way home now. We had a heart to heart talk with dr W****** this morning, and it was as i had figured. Things just are not working for me fast enough. The cancer growth is just too fast to catch. Its out of control and nothing more Dr W***** can do will help slow it down , let alone stop it. In my opinion, the day i went to Tucson for the trach, was the day the cancer started to win. By the time i got back from Arizona and gave the trach time to "heal" before any treatments resumed....we had let the cancer go for over 3 weeks unchecked. That was a big mistake , but i really didnt have a choice if i wanted to breath. My body is deteriorating before my eyes...its that fast.I looked in the mirror this weekend and saw something i had not seen the week before. I was way more than just underweight, i had lost all my muscle mass. You can see my femur bones, my arms are like sticks. My once life long enourmous calf muscles are gone and they left just some loose saggy skin on a thin little leg. Its quite shocking how fast it happened. There is a word for it and i know i will spell it wrong but its "cahexia". Its when the cancer cells are stealing nutrients so fast that your fat and muscles virtually disappear. Im getting that look of a very sick cancer patient. Im not sure my own dogs would recognize me now. The other striking problem i have is the swelling in my face. As you know my cancer made massive swelling in my neck....and tumors there have turned almost rock hard making it hard to flex my jaws to chew or move my neck much at all. The most recent problem stemming from these neck tumors is that they are blocking the lymph drainage field of my face. Yes, the cancer is on either side of my face now...my face is swollen like really bad mumps...and the swelling can not drain anywhere. We have been using lasix to try and get some of the fluid to move, but as of today...most of the day my face has been so swollen on the left that i can not open my left eye anymore. its just a matter of time before the right side does as well. i dont know if they will be able to do something about it or not if i get to the hospital.. On top of this my left arm is fully ingulfed in the cancer again. Its swollen and painful. I keep it wrapped to keep swelling to a minimum, but movement is getting very limited in my left arm. I am a mess. I am guessing that if symptoms keep up at this pace , i have a limited amount of time i will be able to chew food. Sure i can swallow small things pretty good still, but opening my mouth and actually chewing are becoming very difficult due to swelling.Knowing all this about me, you can see how i would be relieved to get out of here to a hospital again. We are planning on going to Tuscon Medical again in Arizona, perhaps as soon as tomorrow morning i hope. Depends on how soon we can get Fernando to pick up his mom's van and take us. Dr W*****'s car is to small to bring most of our stuff with us. Problem is, Fernando is in the middle of trying to make a living off his fisher boat. If we cant go tomorrow morning it may be another week before i can get a ride out of here. The situation is growing quite desperate. Perhaps we will ride in Dr W******s car and just leave behind some things. He says if we still cant reach Fernando tonight, then to plan on leaving at 6am Wed morning in his car. I really feel that i need to get home soon. After we get to the hospital in Tucson i will have them admit me through emergency again to evaluate my trach, my swelling and breathing problems etc. Hopefully i can stay a few days in a hospital bed while my father and friend of the family drive out in a RV to pick me up. Mom has a hotel and car booked for herself already so she can stay with me. The drive from Arizona to WAshington should take 3-4 days of straight driving , so im glad to have access to an RV with a bed and power outlets. I dont quite understand the politics of it all, but we have been told that once we are in the Arizona hospital, we need to get in contact with the hospice people. IN turn, these hospice people will help set up hospice care in "WA" to be ready for me. So i guess that is the plan. Once we hit Arizona we will again have cell phone access and be able to contact people.It just doesnt seem real. There are so many things i realize i will never do again. Im not afraid of dying, just afraid of suffering. When its time, i want some good drugs. I dont regret coming here. At the very least, for the last 3 months i really had hope of recovery. Hope for recovery was everything. Seems for me though, there are other plans. I have tried so many things only to end up being in that group of people where stuff just didnt work....the 20% group. I really believe about 80% of people coming here do get the help they seek. Maybe when its your time...it just is. All i want now is to be home with my dogs and family. Home, where there are grocery stores with stuff i like. Hospitals within a 1/2hour drive. Friends and family. Computers, phones... Peace and quite. I had kraft macaroni and cheese today. Erika brought me back a box from the usa. Wouldnt you know it, by the time i give myself permission to eat what ever the hell i want, i can only get so many foods in my mouth and successfully swallow them. I tell you this, when im at home with my pups looking at the fireplace...i will be sipping vanilla cocoa, eatting raspberry and pumpking pie, icecream, brownies .. im gonna try a burger king burger if its soft enough..its only a short matter of time before my jaws are completely shut, so all food is fair game right now. I really want pizza, but there is no way in hell i can get it down i dont think...maybe i should try though. Thats about it for now. Once i leave here, there probably wont be any computer access till i am home in Washington. Maybe the end of next weekend? Mom and i both have our cells. My sister C****** is handling things back home, as is my friend T***.

My heart is breaking. I don't know what to do. I want to go be with them, even if it's just a long weekend. I want my children to meet her. I just don't know what to do. I am considering asking my parents to loan us the money for a trip out there. I figure I will go to her funeral (and probably take Dominic with me) but I don't want to just be at her funeral, I want to have a chance to see her.
Either way, it is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Do your part. Join the Army of Women and do what you can.

He Has Arrived

Dominic George
born September 24th at 8:10am
9lbs 4.5oz 21 1/4inches

We're all doing fantastic and he's got the softest little cheeks ever.

Just hours away.......

All right folks. I have less than ten hours 'till check in time. I am to report to the OB unit at 6am tomorrow. It's baby time!
I'm still terrified that something will go wrong. I'm really trying to think positive thoughts and it's mostly working. I'm driving myself crazy trying to decide if I've packed everything that I need. I'm also having trouble getting it to sink in that I get to meet my son tomorrow!
Stay tuned....

Faith

Because I've been focusing more on the "other things" here's a little something that's just Faith.
We were at my parents house this weekend. They have a gray cat named Mac that's probably about 4-5 months old (I think, I can't quite remember!). Anyway, it's out of it's tiny kitten stage but is still a young cat. Faith loves that crazy cat and it loves her. It is not a house cat but when we're there (in the beginning anyway) it would be inside some in a pet carrier because as a small kitten we were concerned about out dog playing too rough with it in the back yard. Now they're great friends....or at least don't attach each other, and the cat is no longer allowed inside. This doesn't stop Faith from trying to bring it in. Ocassionally my mom lets her bring it in if she'll sit on the floor & it sits in her lap while she pets it. So today Faith wanted to bring Mac in & hold and pet her (I think it's a her). My mom said it was alright as long as Mac was sitting in her lap. Once she no longer wanted held she had to go back out.
Faith opens the sliding patio door & picks up Mac. She then shuts the door and the cat's tail was in it! We said "oh, Faith! The cat's tail!" and I hopped up (as much as a hugely pregnant woman can hop) to open the door to free the cat. As I did, she said "Oh! Sorry Mackie" and pulled her tail out of the door! I have to tell you, I was laughing so hard I was sitting on the floor with some tears. It was so freakin hilarous!!! And that crazy cat didn't bat an eye. Obviously the door was not shut hard, just enough that her tail was a little caught. Faith then set on the floor & pet the cat and it just layed on her all stretched out & cozy.
Reading this it doesn't seem quite as "collapse on the floor in tears funny" as it did at the time. But I swear it was! I guess I just didn't do the story justice.

THE PLAN

.....as it stands for now anyway.
I am on the schedule for a c-section on the 24th. Although I really really don't want to have a c-section this is the way it will be. I know, I can wait longer & see if he will flip on his own. However, the most important thing to me is that this child arrives safely. I am not comfortable waiting around longer to see what happens. I'm not comfortable pressing my luck. Since he is not head down, if my water were to break I could face the problem of a cord prolapse.
This does make me a little sad though. It's not so much that this pregnancy will result in a c-section so much as that any subsequent pregnancies will end with the same result (ya know, as long as we make it full term if I happen to get pregnant again). At our hospital it is their policy to not do VBAC's. I know, some people will say that if I'm really against having a c-section I should try other things, wait etc. And, those same people will have something to say about the hospital not allowing a VBAC. Here's the thing. I'm not one to argue with medical professionals when it involves the live birth of my child (and I am not as informed at they are). The baby being ALIVE and me, also, being ALIVE are the two most important factors in my opinion. This is not to say that I take everything every doctor ever tells me as gospel and the only way things can be. I have my own thoughts, questions and opinions which I discuss with them or research to the best of my ability.
So, that is it. Ten days for this kid to flip.

Back from the Doctor....

Well I learned a few things this morning at my appointment. My baby is a little big, but not scary huge! Although there is extra amniotic fluid and that can be a sign of other problems they see no other signs that would indicate a problem. I'm just in the category of extra fluid for no known reason. As far as the subject of baby being breech this is what I've got:

1) wait & see if he'll flip on his own. Usually they don't at this point (although they can) because they've pretty much run out of room. However, with the extra fluid in there for him to float around in he might actually have room.

2) schedule an external inversion. Obviously this has some risks. Not only do you have the risks to the baby to take into consideration, there's also that there's only about a 50% chance this will work. Then, even if it does work, there's a 5% chance he'll flip back. Which actually is a little higher since I have extra fluid. And then there's the fact that this is quite an uncomfortable procedure.

3) give up & just schedule a c-section.

I'm pretty much going for choice #3 hopeful that choice #1 ends up hapening! They'll schedule the c-section for about 2 1/2 weeks from now (I don't have a date yet, maybe tomorrow. If not I'll know next week.) and we'll go from there.


Also, I almost forgot...aparentley the thought of my water breaking was enough to make to good doctor have a chuckle. With the extra fluid he imagines it will be quite a mess. Glug glug...

Updates

Well, hello all! I've got some news from my last apointment. I'm measuring too big for how far along I am. Like a dork, I forgot to ask HOW big, but I did have to have another sonogram. Results are:
Baby too big
Baby breech
Too much amniotic fluid
Probable C-section
At my next apointment on Monday we'll discuss all of the above. I don't really know what too much amniotic fluid means. I found this wonderful info to scare myself. I'm trying not to worry about it too much right now. Seeing as I don't know how much excess fluid I have (it may just be a little, right?) there is no sense in getting too worked up about it. Right now the baby is still moving plenty so I know for now he's doing ok in there.
As far as me, I'm more tired & having short bouts of very uncomfortableness (that's a word, isn't it? If not it should be.) but over all doing pretty good. I've been feeling quite unprepared and not ready from time to time. Then, I get all excited & can't wait for baby time! However, ready or not, it's getting close!

My To Do List (so I don't forget)

1) Paint the baby's room (waiting on material for the curtains so there's no clashing!)
2) Wash all the gender neutral clothes I kept from Faith and wash all the new boy stuff I've collected
3) Finish comparing and order a breast pump
4) Pack my bag! (Next week I'll be where I was when Faith was born. I'll probably be miserable & overdue the 1st week of October, unless I don't have a bag packed)
5) Finish my list of important phone numbers to take with me
6) Find a purchase a baby book
7) .......some other stuff I can't remember right now. Dammit.

MBS - Mushy Brain Syndrome

I've got it. It's hard to concentrate on things, my attention span is probably shorter than a gnat's. At night, before I fall asleep I start thinking of all kinds of posts. Different things I want to say. I think to myself I'll remember what I was thinking and post it tomorrow. Me no can remember things. As a matter of fact, I'm sitting here right now trying to remember what else I was going to say!! Dammit. Baby growing uses all your brain cells toward the end.

9 Weeks

So, here I am with only 9 weeks left to go. I'm realizing how much I have left to do to get ready. This weekend we (and by "we" I mean my husband) is painting and texturing the ceiling of the baby's room (and Faith's since we have the stuff out). This afternoon we are going to go purchase a ceiling fan/light to put up. Both of the rooms get so hot in the afternoon & take quite a long time to cool down in the evening. Not only that, the light fixtures in there right now really suck. So a ceiling fan should really help to circulate some air. Then hopefully next weekend we will paint. Then we have to get Faith's new dresser and move her old one to the baby's room. Then, after I have a place to put clean clothes I need to wash all of the gender neutral stuff I kept from Faith's baby clothes & get them put away.
And of course, I'm very excited time is getting short and soon I should have my sweet, squishy little baby to bring home. However, I'm still finding time to worry. I've had my glucose tolerance test and did fine with that. I did find something to call the dr about Friday. The baby had not been very active. It's not completly abnormal for the baby to be his normal active self then have less active day here or there. Thursday, he was not too active and I wasn't too worried. Friday he was still not too active. I only counted him moving 4 times in an hour so I called. They told me to go home, drink some juice & count how many times I felt him move in 20 minutes then call back. She said twice is good. I felt him move 3 times, but it was very weak so I was naturally still concerned. She told me that the 3 times is good but if I was still worried I could come in. I hate to be such a worry wort. I told her I'd wait awhile & kind of just see. She told me I could always come in this afternoon or if I needed to go to L&D this weekend. So, I fought the urge to run in for some reassurance. By Friday evening, my little man was back to his normal active self. With some quite hard kicks and jabs and his new favorite thing of stretching.
I have my next appointment in two weeks. That marks the end of my appointments every 4 weeks and my start seeing the dr every other week. Soon, it will be baby time!!!!

Hey

Well, I'm still here! No breakdown, but close! A little update on everything:
Work - our new new girl has started and so far, so good! She seems to be catching on very fast. And, even better, the old new girl is gone. If she had been there any longer it may have gotten ugly! Honestly though, I hate to say anything bad about her. She is a very nice person and her driving us all insane was never intentional. She was just damn irritating.
Family health - my stepdad got out of the hospital the next day after overnight observation. They had no idea what was wrong when he left. As he was wanting to get to CO to see his brother they planned on scheduling further tests soon. Then, that sunday he was back at the ER. This time it was here in town. They checked him in and scheduled him for a heart cath & when he left the hospital tuesday afternoon still knew nothing. Well, not nothing. His heart is in great condition, no blockage. So, still no idea what is wrong with him.
My uncle is still in the hospital. It was pretty much day to day whether or not he would make it. So far he's still hanging in there. He has made improvements, which is a little misleading. He spent the first week and a half or so intubated. Eventually, he started to fight it so he was in a drug induced coma. Then, when he was having problems with the tube irritating his esophogus they put a trach tube in. So, then they slowly took him off all the drugs. Yesterday I heard that he MAY be moved from the ICU this week. Maybe. I haven't heard a really good, detailed update this week so I'm really not sure how he is.

On the Verge of a Breakdown

I need to cry. I've needed to have a good cry for awhile now but I just can't. I don't like to cry in front of people. It's one thing if it's just tears, but I need a big 'ol sobfest by myself. It's kind of hard to schedule that between work & an almost 4 year old who won't even leave you alone long enough to pee. That and my husband would worry something was wrong with me if I did it while he was around!
So, adding to my already hormonal state is the frustration I have at work of the new girl who has quit but won't leave. (she's being nice & helping out until the new new girl starts. Thoughtful of her yes but she irritates the hell out of me). I told my boss the other day if they leave me alone with her for a whole day again I will cry. Then there is the worry of the baby. I'm not as daily worried about something happening to him, however now my problem is....how much worse it would be if something happened NOW. At this late in the game it just scares me even more. So, that is my daily stress and cause to cry.
Another addition; my mom called tonight to tell me she has taken my stepdad to the hospital again. They did this several months ago. Basically there was concern that he was having a heart attack. They never did figure out what was wrong but he was released. So, it's kind of a similar thing today. They've admitted him for obserevation again and will wait to see what they see. In this same call my mom also tells me about Uncle T. Apparently earlier today they had to call an ambulance to take him to the hospital. He had a high fever and extremely low blood pressure. My uncle C called my mom to tell her this shortly after my stepdad was being checked out at the hospital. He then called back later with an update. One of my aunts had just spoken to the nurse and she told them if they were planning on coming to see him they had better hurry.
We'll see how this all pans out. Maybe I'll send the husband & the daughter to the store tomorrow after work. I'll give them a long list.

My Shadow Babies

My cousin M was pregnant at the same time I was. My due date was Oct 24, 2006 and she was due several days before or after me (I can't remember right now). What really added to the fun was that her daughter B is only 4 days older than Faith. So, both our kids would have had very close birthdays. After I lost our baby it was pretty difficult to know she would be having a baby when I was supposed to be due. The upside is that she lives on CO and so it's not like I had to see her all the time. The downside (or more in your face you have no baby side) was that baby T was born exactly on my due date. The first time I saw her and held her was very difficult. We were all out at my aunt's house for Thanksgiving. What made it more difficult is that it seemed to me that my entire family had forgotten about ME and MY baby. Yes, I felt selfish thinking it and I wouldn't dream of saying anything but it made me feel very alone. It took a little while, although not as long as I would have thought, to be able to play with T & not constantly be thinking something along the lines of "this would be what my baby was doing".

Here's my sweetie T. Poor little thing was drooling all over because she was starting to get teeth.

My second shadow baby was just born recently. My husbands cousin & his girlfriend found out unexpectedly that they were pregnant. They, too, live in CO. Although I don't get to see her very often it was on my mind. I think so far the situation has been helped by me being pregnant again. I'm spending more time worrying about this baby I guess. After finding out we were having a boy, this is who I sent all of my baby girl clothes home with. S was actually due a few days before my June 10th due date. Her daughter was born May 28th. It's actually a good thing we sent all of those clothes with them, the only things that fit her when they took her home were Faith's preemie clothes. Although I've seen pictures of L I haven't met her yet & held her and got to cuddle with her & smell her sweet baby smell. She (and of course her parents) will be coming back to KS in a couple weeks & I'm really very excited to get the chance to give her some lovin.

By the looks of her sweet chubby cheeks, you wouldn't think she was just over 6 lbs when she was born!

What a Horrible Person

I could not beleive this story when I read it. It is insane.

"What we got from witnesses is he was punching, slapping, kicking, stomping, shaking," Singh said. "They tried to intervene and get involved, but their efforts really didn't have an effect. The suspect was engaged in what he was doing. He just pushed them off and went back to it."

I know it says people tried to stop him. But how hard did they try, really? I can understand the elderly couple that stopped maybe not being able to do much. But what about all the other people? Some try to fight the asshole off, or at least distract him, while someone else picks up the child & puts him in a car. Maybe it was because he was big, angry and strong. I'm not just for random violence, but get your damn tire iron out of your car & use it on the guy. I'm sure it seems more simple to me sitting here to say that than it was to the people there at the time but it just seems like they didn't try hard enough. Which, really, is probably what they are all thinking too.

A sheriff's helicopter responding to emergency calls from the area landed in a cow pasture at 10:19 p.m. carrying a Modesto police officer who shot the man to death after he refused an order to stop beating the child, Singh said.

A co-worker and I were discussing this & she said that if the police had to shoot him to get him to stop, how were the other people supposed to stop him? I pointed out to her that it says nothing about the police trying to physically stop him before resorting to shooting him (she seemed to think that they shot him after they could not physically restrain him). I just cannot imagine what this poor little boy went through. Was his whole (short) life this abusive? It may sound bad, but I hope he died early on in the beating/murder so he didn't have to feel it. Poor baby, at least he's not hurting anymore.

Dreams I Hate

Sometimes, I have very vivid dreams. One such type I have is when I have some weird dream about someone I know and in this dream, something happens and I am angry at this person. And when I wake up, I am still pissed at this person but I'm not really sure why. Usually within a short period of time of waking up I remember the dream & why I was mad. Then I think, silly me, it was just a dream! Yet, I still spend the rest of the day mad. And hoping I don't run into the person because although I've never yelled at that person or anything, I am usually a little short with them even while making a concious effort not to be because I know it was just a gosh darn dream.

Then, there are the dreams of old flames. There is one in particular. I remember what it feels like when we kissed. I can feel all of those old feelings. Not that I'm trying too, it just happens. Some may think, what a sweet memory of what you had. But, it's more a memory of what I couldn't have. He was married. That's about as far as it went because I knew he was married, he knew he was married. We both wanted more but it could not happen. We were friends and it went a little too far. We stopped it before anything more happened.

And, my least favorite. When something happens to my daughter. Like last nights dream. I can't remember all the details up the the worst part. But, I remember going in to a hospital and Faith was bleeding. A lot. Gushing blood from the upper left side of her chest and I was standing at her head, with my hands over where she was bleeding from and putting pressure on it, trying to get it to stop. And Faith was just lying there, motionless and quiet. All pale. Then as soon as someone in the hospital got the bleeding to stop, she started bleeding from the upper right side of her chest and so I had my hands over that. Then finally they made me get out of the way and I was just standing there, watching her bleed and probably die. I woke up crying and scared. Heck, I've started crying as I'm tying this. The image of your daughter bleeding and dying is hard to get out of your head, even if it is only a dream.

And, one of the joys of being pregnant, you have crazy ass dreams. So, these types of dreams are more vivid and more often now.

The Placenta......the disposable organ

First of all, did you know that the placenta is an organ? It's the only organ that is grown for it's purpose and then, when no longer usefull it is disposed of. So, why am I regaling you with planceta info?
I finally heard back from the doctors office today on the offical report from my sonogram (it completely skipped my mind that they have tuesdays off). Directly from the nurse "there is no previa noted". Hot damn! My placenta moved out of the way!

Pffftt.

So, the other day I had a woman I have interaction with on a daily basis and who knows the basics of my baby drama history ask if I was tired of being pregnant yet. She's not the first to ask me this.
Let me just put this out there. I'm just over half way through this pregnancy. No freakin way am I ready for this kid to come out yet. In any way shape or form.

Little Babyface

I had another sonogram today. The baby is looking good and still measuring about a week ahead. The sono tech said that it looks like the placenta has moved but I'll have to wait for the report to find out how much. I should know tomorrow! If it hasn't moved enough, I'll probably have to have another sono in another 6-8 weeks to check on it again.

So, here's my little man

Kick Baby Kick!

I can feel our little man kicking from the outside now! I knew the kicks were getting stronger but I had not been able to feel it with my hand on my belly. Now I can! How fun! I can't wait until Faith gets home from Grandma's and have her feel it!
Speaking of which, she's hilarious. She'll tickle my belly then lay her head on me. She look up at me and say "I heard brother laugh!" And she'll give him hugs & kisses.
It's hard for me to belive that I'm already just over half way there. Wow. I have another doctor apointment this friday & at that time I'll get my next sono scheduled. We'll see if that placenta's moved at all.

Tiny Dancer

My little munchkin had her first dance recital last night! It went well, I got very nervous for her as the time for her turn on stage got closer. All I really wanted was for her not to cry, puke or wet her pants. And if she had fun, even better. I would have to say that it was a success. Although she was in the complete wrong spot a couple times she had fun & kept dancing.

Sick Day

I dropped Faith off at daycare this morning and went to work. Shortly before 8:30 my cell phone rang. I picked it up to shut the ringer off & looked at who was calling. It was Faith's daycare. So, I answered. Her baby sitter asked if I could come pick Faith up because she had just puked all over the living room. I told her I'd be over shortly.
I said, rather loudly, "I have to go pick up my daughter, she just threw up." I said it mostly so the boss would hear me, but the other two did too (it is a small office).
The new lady had actually just set down in the boss's office to go over some stuff with him and she said to me "Oh, so what are you going to do?"
"Um, go pick her up" (Didn't I just say that? Could have swore I did.....)
I was not in the mood for her and since she was in John's office I went back to talk to Ron. I told him I would see if the husband could come home at noon & switch me so I could come back to work. We were really busy yesterday with claims because of all the tornados/storms from the weekend and I have a lot of work to do. But, I didn't know. I may not be back today.
Anyway, left a message for the husband to call me back & let me know. I picked up Faith and on our way home she said "mommy, as soon as we get home can I go throw up in the bathroom? I still really need to." Um, sure! I just hoped she could hold it in across town! So, she's thrown up a few more times since then. And, the husband called. They had a server go down at work so there's no way he can take off this afternoon. However, his grandma can watch Faith, I just have to driver her the 20 or so minutes over there. We're waiting awhile until we see how the puking goes.
I feel bad for not just staying home with her when she's feeling crappy, but I've already taken the whole day off tomorrow because Faith has rehersal in the morning for her friday night dance recital. Not only does 2 days not being paid kind of suck, but I have so much work to do. I figure it will pile up thursday too, so there will be that much more for me friday. That and the new lady doesn't do a whole lot. And, she's not staying. More on that later.

Silly Faith

So, I got a new camera and of course I have to try it out!
Little miss Faith is a ham.

Growing Up

My little sister graduated last weekend. I'm not sure what her summer plans are. I know she has to help out with some volleyball camps this summer. And, she's going to Hawaii this summer to play volleyball again for a week like she did last year. Other than that, I hope she makes time to spend with her nieces & nephew. Once school starts I think she's going to miss them. She's playing volleyball at school & they have games wednesday & saturdays so I don't know that she'll get to see them very much during the season. Poor Faith is pretty used to seeing Ashley at least every other weekend. She loves to follow her around and do "Ashley stuff" (like borrow her necklaces, go to the store & get a sucker, or just generally follow her around & act like a teenager).

Baby Stuff (of course)

For the last several weeks Faith has been insisting she's having a baby sister. Any time anyone mentions the baby she says "I know, I'm having a sister!" Then, everyone always looks at us like, you know what you're having & didn't tell us! Um, no. Faith is just insisting it's a girl.
At the beginning of last week, she started saying she was having a brother. Every time (just like when she'd say it was a girl) we gently remind her that MAYBE she'd have a brother, but it could be a sister. I just really didn't want her getting stuck on one or the other.
Last Friday we had a sonogram & took Faith with us so she could see the baby wiggling around & hear it's heartbeat. As she got started, the woman doing the sonogram asked if we were wanting to find out what we were having. We told her we did, so she got right down to business. Just in case the baby wasn't cooperating, there were plenty of other things she had to measure & we could come back to it later.
Our child is not shy. Right away you could see the scrawny little legs in a "V" with knobby knees at the top. And a teenie weenie poking up in between. It's a boy! I tried to scan the picture but it didn't work too well. When I have a minute I'll try it again but I can't promise anything.
So, Faith is telling EVERYONE she's having a baby brother. (the people at the store while we were shopping, the woman who checked us out) It's so cute, every once in awhile she comes up to me & says "I can't believe I'm having a baby brother!"
As for me, I'm excited, but it's an adjustment! I think just beacuse I know what I'm doing with a baby girl (well, as much as you can anyway) and I'm just a little nervous of the change!
The day after the sonogram I had a baby shower to go to for the husband's cousin & his fiancee. They're having a girl in early June. So, after the shower I came home & sorted through 2 huge plastic tubs of baby girl clothes. I kept a few of Faith's things (like what she came home from the hospital in & a few other special things) and anything gender neutral that I would put a boy in. The rest was sent home with them to Colorado.
Then, I went & bought some cute little boy things! Time to start thinking blue!
Oh, and MOST importantly, the baby looks great & is growing just like he's supposed to. He's still measuring a week ahead.
Also, want to know how much of a dork I am? They told me that by his measurements he weighs about 10oz. So, when i went back to work I piled up envelopes on the postage meter to 10oz so I could feel in my hands how much he weighs. It's heavier than you'd think! Yes, I'm a dork, but it was fun!

Dog Day

Everyday for work I go to the post office to get our mail. I pulled up Friday and this just made my day!

It seriously looks like to dogs were out for a drive and had to stop at the post office.

It made me smile & I just had to share!

Three Years....

It's been three years since my cousins death.

I have to say, since his death and my uncle T's cancer, our family has gotten a lot better at making a point to get together. They all still fight some, but at least we're all there.

And he's always missed.

A Funk

I've been in a bit of a funk lately. Because of all the past problems, I've been very reluctant to let myself get too excited about the baby. To some this may not make any sense but basically it's a defense mechanism, preparing myself in case anything happens. Logically, at this point, things should be fine. I'm well past the 13 weeks when your chances of a miscarriage drop drastically. I've had 3 sonograms in which the has baby looked good in. I'm still afraid that as soon as I tell someone else, something will happen.
We finally told Faith on the 11th. She is, of course, exicted about her baby sister. (no, we don't yet know what we're having but she is convinced!). I kind of feel like I'm cheating her a little because we still don't really talk about it much. I feel like I should be talking about it at least once a day with her to get her used to the idea. I mean, she's been an only child for almost 4 years, it's probably going to be a big adjustment for her!
However, the last couple days, I've been letting myself be a little excited about next friday. We have another sonogram on the 2nd and we're going to find out what the baby is (if there is cooperation!) and I decided that we'll take Faith with us. Now, at the same time, I'm freaked out that when we get there, something will be wrong. And Faith will be there.
There is some reassurance since I have started feeling the baby move. I've been able to feel it for at least 3 weeks. It very slight and totally irregular, but there.

Also, if Faith is right and it is a girl, I'm currently loving the name Isabelle.

1st Photo

So, here we are! We still haven't told Faith. I think maybe in a week or two. I jokingly told her baby sitter I'll probably find a reason to just keep saying "in a week or two" and be huge & a week before my due date & finally feel ok with telling Faith and not worry so much about something bad happening. We'll see!

Back from the sono.....

As the tech started the sonogram, she said "look at that, I'm not moving" and you could see a wiggly little baby on the screen! Yay! After a thorough check of things, I was sent on my way and told the dr's office would call me. The baby's heartrate is 169 and measuring about 14 weeks (I'm about 13w 4days so that's in the area they expect).
The nurse from the dr office called. She said that they won't have the full dictated report from the radiologist for a day or two, but for right now it looks like some kind of placenta hemorrage. They say it looks like it could be placenta previa but won't know for sure until they get the report. The good news is, if it is that, that as the placenta forms & grows it can move so it may not be an issue later.
As for now, I'm still bleeding. Obviously on vaginal rest and not lifting heavy things but other than that, business as normal. Hopefully the bleeding will slow & stop within the next day or two. If not (or if it gets worse) I'll give the doc a call & see what they have to say.
keeping my fingers crossed

Give me a FUCKING BREAK

I went to get the mail this morning at work. Felt an odd uh, liquid sticky sensation when I got out of my car. (don't let it be blood, don't let it be blood, don't let it be blood, don't let it be blood). Yes, it was blood. I'm bleeding. FUCK. I have an ultrasound scheduled for 3:15. We'll see.

"Let's Scare the Crap Out of Mommy" says the Fetus

I had some light spotting this afternoon. It was not bright red, nor heavy. It was just a tiny bit and dark. You know, just enough to start me worrying. I called the docs office and they said to come by between 4 and 4:15 and they'd listen the the baby's heart rate to check it out.
I got there right about 4 and waited. And waited. You think it's a long wait when you have an appointment, try when they just tell you to come by!
So, I finally get in and, of course, had to pee in a cup. I get to the room and the nurse got out the goo & the doppler thing to start trying to find the heartbeat. I kid you not, it took almost 10 fricken minutes before she could find it. Then it took even longer after that to track it down long enough to get a good measurement. She said that it seems to be a very active baby with a good strong heart rate of 168.
This kid is soooo grounded.

Check-Up: Week 11-12

I had a checkup on friday and things are looking good! The baby's heart rate is 178, which is good and other than that it was a pretty uneventful appointment. I go back again in 4 weeks!

Comfort Soap

While doing some shopping today I decided to purchase a bar of ivory soap. I'm one of those people that really gets taken back by smells (and songs too). My grandma always had ivory soap in her bathroom so it makes me think of her. I don't know if she still does or not, maybe one day I'll find out. So, some people have their comfort food and I guess I have my comfort soap.

Crazy "Jeannie"

So all this week that Jeannie has not been at work she's been texting & calling John. She goes between begging for her job back to saying Fuck you, I wouldn't come back to work there for you no matter what. She has finally went for an interveiw at the place our client had called. Yestereday afternoon I guess she was offered a job. John laughed & told me she had sent him a text. "Do you need me to come back? Because I have to let them know on this job offer by monday. If I come back there will have to be certain conditions." I asked if he told her we're doing just fine without her.
It turns out that Jeannie says I'm a bitch & we're no longer friends. Apparently one of the things she's mad about is this: A couple weeks ago, there was a phone call for her. It was a woman named Sheri calling from one of our companies. She was returning Jeannie's call. She said "could you just have her call me back" I said ok and as I was going to ask for a phone number, she hung up. So I gave Jeannie a note that said Sheri from ***** called. She was returning your call, please call her back. Jeannie asked if I had a phone number, I said no and told her what had happened. I guess I should have known she was pissed at me because she was making this HUGE deal out of it. She wouldn't just let it drop. Oh well.
Then John said something to her in conversation about me going through something in her office and she said "why was that bitch in my office". John said, "becuase I told her to!" (and news flash crazy ass, if you quit it's no longer your office!!)
I also learned this week that she thought I never did any work. That I just sat at my desk all day doing nothing. Hmmm. Wow. I never never never knew she thought that. Her sister was in our office twice to help catch up on some stuff that Jeannie was sooo behind on (John told her that if she wanted to she could have someone help out a little just to get things caught up & he'd pay them). One of these days was the 29th (the day she gave her 2 week notice). I guess she says her sister told her all I do is set up there & file my nails all day. Interesting. (I actually do remember filing a nail that day. It broke on something & was sharp and pointy. I remember because I had to dig through my drawer to find my file since I barely ever use it)
And, as far as her little comment about me not doing any work? John said he's kind of wondering if she did anywork. All the piles of stuff in her office that she was sooo far behind in and could just not find the time to do? We're almost all caught up on it. So, that's the 3 of us doing our normal work plus hers. And John's wife came in yesterday to help with a little of the filing.
Also, Jeannie had asked John if we would not tell anyone that she was no longer employed there. Her baby daddy calls the office sometimes as does her son's grandparents and aunt that she has custody of. She did not want them knowing she didn't have a job. John said that we'd do that for the rest of this week. So, anyone that's called in I've just told them she's not in today. Then, yesterday afternoon, Jeannie's son L. that lives with her, called after school like he always does.
"Is my mom there?"
Me, caught off guard "No, she's off today".
L "Oh, well was she there earlier?"
Me "No, she hasn't been in today"
L "oh, ok"

So, she's been pretending all week that she's been going to work? She hasn't been home when he gets home from school? Wow.

work stuff

These are the people:


Ron - used to own the company, sold to John at the 1st of the year. He now gets paid a nice salary as a "consultant". Basically, he doesn't have to come to work if he doesn't want to & still gets paid. (married with adult kids & in his 50's)


John - has worked for Ron for about 9 years. He's my age and just purchased the company for A LOT of money. (just got married in 2006 & is 28)


Jeannie - has worked for the company for a year and almost a 1/2. She was hired when the other girl working there got pregnant again & decided to move closer to her family. Jeannie was 1 of 2 resumes they received and started out at about $7 more an hour than what I make. She got a VERY good deal because they were really desperate to get someone hired & trained before the other girl left. (38)

Ok, eventually Jeannie & I became friends & would hang out together outside of work. She has no friends, 3 ex-husbands, 1 baby daddy and 5 kids. The oldest is 18 the youngest is just 3 months younger than Faith. She has custody of her middle son, the 11 year old.

When Jeannie got her boob job last year I took the day off so I could drive her because she had no one else. I try to be a good friend, she's not what we would call a good friend. However, I was friends with her anyway because not only did she need a friend, so did I.

Jeannie started in Sept and by our Christmas party she was um, flirting with John. Basically she was drunk & kind of gropey. By March they were sleeping together. I didn't know this until I think July but I knew they were having some kind of thing. They did manage to not let this affect work too much.

There was one point that John was going to leave his wife for Jeannie. He actually left & stayed with Jeannie for a couple days. He then went back to his house to get some stuff & his wife essentialy convinced him not to leave (she layed in front of the door bawling, begging him not to leave her. He could do whatever he wanted as long as he didn't leave her.) So, he didn't leave and they kind of continued their thing off & on. There were of course some awkward moments but things were alright. Things have increasingly become less professional. Jeannie is pretty much f'n crazy. Around Christmas time she had herself convinced she was pregnant....she's had her tubes tied/cut/coderized since her son was born 3 1/2 years ago. (there's like a .01% chance that this could even happen). There's all kinds of other crazy shit but I think you kind of get the drift. She has left work & walked home (she lives like 1/2 a block from the office & sometimes walks) on several occasions saying she "can't work like this" etc. Well, John will go after her & get her to come back (if her OR I were to just up & quit it would cause our office some problems) because he really does need her at work. Anyway, more drama blah blah blah.

Feb 19th, Jeannie left for lunch and at about 1:10 I asked where she was. No one knew. I tired to call her & no answer. I sent her a txt msg and she told me "John told me to quit"

They had had a fight earlier & they both had called each other not so nice names. Anyway, by the end of the day they had spoken & Jeannie was coming back on the 20th.

So, come the next morning John called me & asked me to come in early. I got there & Jeannie wasn't there. He said she wasn't coming in & didn't know if she'd be back. I guess they'd had a fight until about 2 am. Here's the thing. Yes, on tuesday they were both very unprofessional at work and were fighting about personal things. Fine. There little fight on tuesday night/wednesday morning was outside of work & should not affect work the next day. Ron & I thought that should be it, she should be done. John gave her another chance. She came to work the next day. However, she was all pissy about everthing. (Now, please note that I have done nothing wrong. I have stayed out of this whole mess......she treats me like crap. Barely speaks to me & when she does she short with me.) So, fast forward to Feb. 29th. There's been a very awkward week of work where things with Jeannie & John bounce back & forth between normal joking & then being pissy, things between her & Ron are somewhat normal in that it's like she pretended nothing happened. Normal joking, talking about whatever. And Jeannie still barely speaks to me. Now, on orders from my boss, I have not been talking to her about any personal stuff, which is what she wanted. Not just from me but she said she didn't want any of her personal life at the office (which she's the one that always volunteers the info anyway).

Ok, so on the 29th John & Jeannie have another fight. Jeannie has started seeing one of our clients. Kind of a large account of John's. She has went on like 2 dates with this guy & she has spilled allllll the crap that has happened with John. He had previously offered her a job as his secretary/office manager at quite a bit more money than she makes now. Basically she would be running his office for his company. He's been doing it all himself but he's growing & needs to hire someone to do it all. So Jeannie's telling all of this to John & that he'll pay her more etc. however she'd have to move to a town about an hour away, which she doesn't want to do. John says, so go work for him. Quit & go work for him if he's going to pay you that (as in, if you have a better offer, take it. Which is what he'd tell me if I was offered a better job too). Now, I'm a little hazy on when exactly this next part happened -I guess she implys to our client she doesn't want to work here anymore under these conditions (um, which she created herself). So, the client calls one of our competitors and wants to know if they will hire Jeannie and that he will move his business to them! (they've been trying to get him to for years) He tells them all that has happened with her & John!!! Now, of course, this has pissed John off because it has gotten back to him from someone else. So this is part of the fight on the 29th..."either you quit seeing our client or you have to not be telling him things about what happen at the office because it affects business." So, she typed up & signed a resignation. Her 2 week notice. Her last day was to be the 14th.
Jeannie is all kinds of pissed. She says there is no way she is traing a new person to take HER job that she was FORCED into leaving. She'll show up & do the minimal and work. Do not expect her to put in any extra effort or be happy. And the new girl had better stay away from her. I told John my humble opinion of "tell her thanks for the 2 week notice, but it's not necessary, she can go now." If she's not going to help train someone, why does she need to be there?
This monday (the 3rd) John tells me that he's going to talk to her again & if she's not willing to help train a new hire that her last day can be friday the 7th. So, he goes in to talk to her and then she doesn't come back after lunch again. I asked what was up now. He said that although she's offically quit her job here, she has not so much as typed a resume or looked for a job. She thought this whole thing was just going to blow over like everything else and be fine. So, he gave her the afternoon off to go apply for jobs.
So, that is work!

to post or not to post....

I've been having conflicting thoughts about a very long, ranting post regarding work. I don't usually blog about work.
If you haven't noticed, I have a somewhat unique name. I am a fairly private person and only 3 people I know in real life know that my blog exists. Two of those people rarely ever stop in & have actualy probably even forgotten about it.
So, that being said, I'm slightly concerned someone I know will stumble upon here. I don't want that to cause me problems at work.
I don't know, maybe I'll entertain you with the story of why I'm contemplating quitting my job (if only I could find another one!).

Good News

The baby's heart rate today was 133! I am 6wks and 5days and due October 5th. So far, so good! Now I just have to remain calm & not go crazy for about another 6 weeks then I'll be able to relax a little more....maybe.

Life Is Short

This morning I found out that a guy I went to high school with's wife died. I'd only met her a handful of times. She was probably around 28, give or take a year or two (he's 30). I guess she hadn't been feeling well. He left to go pick up their two boys and by the time he got back home with them, she had died. I can't even imagine coming home to that. Wow.
Their boys are around 4 and 1. Just the thought of trying to explain it to them breaks my heart.

Of Vampires and Probes

Yesterday morning I got more blood drawn and my hcg level is 6081! I had figured it needed to be at least 5280 to be safe so that is good. I even got my sonogram yesterday afternoon. I had the normal goo on the stomach one then we had to do the transvaginal to get a better look. There wasn't much to see since it's so early. And with their measuring I'd be due 10/5 but going by my last period I have a due date of 9/28. So, I'm not really sure how far along I am or my due date yet. I was awaiting the official report back from my dr and they just called this morning. The nurse said I'm measuring smaller than we'd thought (which the ultrasound tech told me) and that they could see the heartbeat. However, it's only 89 (I think it's supposed to be around 120). I'm told it's not uncommon for it to be a little slow this early & then pick up to where it's supposed to be. So I've got another sono scheduled for the 15th to just kind of check & see.
Let you know how it goes.

That's My Baby

This morning I kept asking Faith if she was going to wear her snow boots today (it snowed a bunch yesterday). She said no, she'd wear her regular shoes. I kept asking & finally, as we were going to walk out the door, she decided she was going to wear them. I was helping her change into them so we weren't late. As I'm putting one on her she looks as me and says with bright shiny eyes and a giggle "I like to eat snow off of my boots!"
Yup ladies and gentlemen, that's my child. So proud......

In-Utero Happenings

This morning I went and got my hcg level checked. Currently it is 184.
I am currently somewhere between 4 weeks and 5 weeks (theoretically)

Normal hcg ranges:
4 weeks 5 - 426
5 weeks 18- 17,340

So, I'm in the range. I just have to wait & see what the results of my restest are on wednesday. It needs to be at least 368 for things to be going good. If it goes down, not good. If it goes up, but doesn't double, that also is not good, but I don't know exactly what it means. So, waiting for wednesday.

UPDATE: 1/30/08
Got the retest done this morning......it's 440!!!!!!!!! So far so good! The doc has been in surgery all morning but the nurse said she'd talk to him later & see if he wanted to restest later (still not high enough for a sonogram) or what. And she'll call me back & let me know. Big sigh of relief for now!
Thanks for all the happy thoughts & prayers! They seem to be working! : )

In these matters the only certainty is that nothing is certain...

For a fleeting moment yesterday, a thought occurred to me that I have not had in many years. There is a possibility that I may have a perfectly normal, uneventful pregnancy. I just kind of stopped for a second in the middle of what I was doing and thought "huh."



Fast forward to less than 24 hours later at around 4 o'clock this afternoon and I'm spotting. Just a little & it comes and goes. I keep telling myself it's early enough that it's possible it is only implantation bleeding. I'm not very convincing. However, I'm trying not to stress out about it too much seeing as there's nothing I can do at this moment. Monday morning I'll give my doc a call & see if I can go get a quantitative hcg test done (then redone wednesday morning) to see where we're at. It's still possible things could be ok. I'm just trying not to think about it.

3rd Time's the Charm....Oh. Wait.

Guess it's the 4th time. Any luck in that? I'm shaking slightly and scared how this will go.....I'm pregnant.
Stay tuned............

A Girlie Visit...... Without the Unpleasent Poking & Prodding

Well, I had a meeting with the OB/GYN. We discussed what was up with the 'ol uterus. Here's where it stands right now.
I am not technically considered "infertile" because I am able to get pregnant. If I want I can start taking clomid to try to help things along (I've taken it a couple times before...my husband "lovingly" refers to them as the crazy pills). If I want to I can wait and be patient. For those of you who don't know me in real life....I'm not known for my patience! Other than that, that's all I've got on the getting pregnant part.
Now, as far as after I succeed in becoming pregnant I wanted to know what, if anything, would be different. Nothing. Until after having 3 consecutive miscarriages (medically known as a habitual aborter, lovely term eh?) there's nothing actually wrong with me. The chances are things will be perfectly fine. He even brought up the progesterone thing before I could ask. He said that as most miscarriages happen because of problems with the fetus, there is no reason to take progesterone. In studys, the progesterone did not STOP the miscarriage, just delayed the body dealing with it. In other words, if the fetus died at 7 weeks because of problems, the progesterone would delay the body recognizing the fetus had died for a couple weeks. So, you would show no signs that the baby had died until later (or for example, you were at a check up and they were looking for the heartbeat). I know that he's right. He's very good at his job. But of course, you always wonder "what if." I guess I want a fix. If there is some genetic defect that would cause the miscarriage, obviously that would be best. However, if there's something wrong with me that's causing it, I want it fixed! I want to be able to take something to stop it from happening.
I guess for now the first step is getting pregnant again. Then we'll go from there.

WTF?!

There is an article in the magazine Cookie titled "The Pink Dress". Apparently, 4 year old Sam has a thing for pink. And now, he's decided he wants a dress. He then announces he wants to wear said dress to school. TO SCHOOL!!! Look, I'm all for letting your child express him or herself. I think it's great that they let their son wear pink. Some parents (espicially dads) may freak out at the thought of their son wearing such a "girlie" color. However, as parents, this is where you step in and say NO. This is what gets children beat up, or constantly made fun of....then when he's a teen and comes to school in his pink frilly tutu with his gun to blow half of his class away for making fun of him people will wonder why they didn't see it coming.
I don't claim to be a perfect parent. I make mistakes. We all make mistakes. However, there was so much about this article that just rubbed me the wrong way. One of the main things being:

" I shouldn't have been entirely surprised by the statement, given Sam's history on the pink side of the dress-up box, but this time something was different. ...........
........."But sweetie," I said in my best calm, concerned mommy tone, "you have two pink dresses. Your princess dress-up costumes are both pink."

I don't know about you, but most boys I know that have any costumes to play pretend/dress up in are fireman's hats, cowboy type wear, policeman or even scrubs. But mostly, just leftovers from Halloween if they're lucky enough for their mom to let them keep them out all year to play with. But not poor little Sam....

"The dress-up box at home overflows with pink tulle, lace, and marabou feathers."

Which brings me right back to my original thought......WTF??!!!?
Maybe I'm alone in my thinking. Maybe I'm just completly out of it. What do you think?

Weekend Away

Yeah yeah, I'm a slacker. Our trip to Chicago was pretty fun. We pretty much walked the "Magnificent Mile" and shopped all day! It wasn't the normal "we're on a mission" shopping trip I'm used to with the mil but a nice wandering one. The weather was alright. It snowed, then sleated, then snowed some more and then started raining! We were in & out of stores enough that it wasn't too cold and our hotel was only about a block & a half off the street we were shopping on. They have a Christkindel Market that we had wanted to go to but were pretty tired by the end of the day so we didn't. I just wish we'd have actually had time for some of the sight seeing stuff as we only shopped.

I don't even have any good pictures! As luck would have it, when I went to take a picture...my camera batteries were dead!

So, this is all I have to offer....the view from our hotel room!

Weekend Trip

Today I've taken the whole day off of work. I'm going to Chicago with my mother in law & two sister in law's (I know the correct spelling/termage is sister's in law, but it sounds funny). A month or so ago they asked if I wanted to go with them for a Christmas Shopping Trip. My thought? By the time I pay for my plane ticket, I won't have any $$ left for shopping! Which is fine with me, I just think it will be a fun trip! I've never been, other than a layover in the airport, which I don't think counts. So we're heading to KC soon to the airport then we'll be back on sunday. Maybe I'll have some pics when I get back!

Litltle Susie Homemaker

Fire up your ovens, I'm baking bread! We're heading to The Centennial State (really? That's what it's called? I thought it would be something better than that.) for Thanksgiving. I feel a bit like a slacker if I don't contribute but I don't want to take up fridge space or have to commandeer the kitchen to cook something once we get there, so I'm making some Rye Bread to take. Mmmm, rye bread. I don't buy it often becuse I don't like it with caraway seed or dill or any other such nastie stuff in it. So, I have to make it!
Also, becuase of our crazy busy Thanksgiving schedule, I'll be doing more baking probably monday evening. I'm making stromboli and cheesie jalapeno bread to take to the other part of the family here in KS. We're all over the place.

Look at all the rising bread!

Silly Little Girl

I love my daughter! She's a riot.

Last week we went to eat at Applebee's. As we were getting close she saw the sign & said "there's Applebee's", except it sounded like she said something else. I asked her what she said and she told me "I said there's Applebee's. Ya know, like Apple B E's". My 3 1/2 year old, trying to spell it out for me. Once we got inside and were seated we were just hangin out, catching up on the day. There was some song playing & Faith noticed the music. She was sitting there looking at her kids menu wiggling along to the song.



Then, just this morning, Faith was getting dressed for the day (that's a whole 'nother post on what a mess she is). Her dad was helping her pick out her clothes (reaching what she wanted but couldn't get). She came out wearing a pink, flowered, cotton dress with a long sleeved white shirt underneath and white leggings. She was happy with this, then all of the sudden she wasn't. She was all sad so I asked her what was wrong. She mumbled something I couldn't hear so I sat her on the bed & sat by her to have a chat. I asked her again what was wrong. She said she didn't want to wear this anymore. I told her if she wanted to wear her dress she had to either wear the leggings or tights becuase it's too cold out not to. She was sitting there kind of pulling at the shirt underneath and I asked her what was wrong with the outfit. She said "I look crazy". Yup, started laughing! She went & found something she deemed less crazy to wear.

Sometimes I have to remember to just stop and watch her. She just completely amazes me! It also still suprises me sometimes how much you can love this one small little person.

Soooo....this means I don't have to study, right?

No testing. As my doctor has explained it, at this point there is no need to do any testing until after the 3rd consecutive miscarriage. Reason being? Statistically the next time should be fine. Also because he says there is no reason to waste the time, effort and money and not to mention give us false hope that it'll all be figured out. Here's the deal as he explained it: Even with all the testing, the majority of the time there is no cause to be found for multiple miscarriages. And if there is a cause to be found....most of those there is no "cure" for. Basically you would be aware that you would have whatever specific condition and be aware that this could cause a miscarriage.
As the plan stands now....wait 3 months before starting to try again. However, I did bring up that it took a year & a half to get pregnant this last time. I've now got to set up an appointment in a couple months to discuss our options to address that. I have to get my blood drawn once a week until my hormone levels return to normal. Once I get myself all put back together we'll talk about I suppose drugs to take to get me knocked up.
Also on a lovely side note, thursday at work I flushed what there was of the baby. I went out & got myself severly drunk that night. I had a lovely time. Caught up with an old friend who was back (stationed in Germany, been in Iraq for the last year), met a couple new friends & could barely function with my hangover friday at work. However, I work with some very understanding people!

FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK

No baby. Monday evening I had some light spotting/bleeding. Tuesday I called the dr & went and had some blood drawn. My hcg level was 387. In 48 hours it should have at least doubled to 774. It went down to 358. So now I await the onslaught of blood, gore and cramps. I'm so excited.
I was actually holding onto a tiny bit of hope. I only had light bleeding off & on and absolutely no cramping or anything else. This. Fucking. Blows. Now I get to go to the dr next week to chat about these wonderful things. There's a chance we'll have to have some genetic testing done to see if there is something wrong, or if we just have really really sucky luck. We'll discuss & go from there. It took 1 1/2 years to get pregnant again. I really don't want to have to wait that long again. I know other people have waited longer & for some it never happens. I've been known for my bad luck. I hope this is just another one of those times.

Same Song, Second Verse: "The Big C"

I just recently found out, as did my aunt, that she has cancer. My aunt T (not to be confused with my uncle T who has cancer) is only 42 years old. They are as yet unable to find the direct source of the cancer, but it has metsastisized to her brain and paratid gland. They've decided to start treatment (as opposed to just waiting around doing nothing) while they continue to try and find where it originated.
I have not seen my aunt for 15 years. I want to go visit her now. She lives in Washington. I just keep thinking I'll have to take a long weekend, bite the bullet & buy a plane ticket and go. I just feel like if I'm going I should take Faith because that side of my family has never seen her. Then it's kind of like, well, why doesn't Matt go to? Because we can't fricken afford for all of us to go! That's why we didn't go this summer like we had wanted. We were hoping to go next summer but now I don't think that will work out.

The Rabbit Died

Hey all, I'm knocked up! Yay! Just found out yesterday & haven't really told anyone yet (except the hubby of course). I'm excited & scared. I'm kind of afraid to get my hopes up seeing how things went last time. Best guess at a due date for right now is around June 10th. That's all I've got for now!

Solution

Well, Faith has not given up on her "porn music" so her dad has taught her something new that seems to be sticking. Instead of her saying "bow chicka wow wow" she now says "bird chicken cow cow."
This morning she was saying that and asked me if I could show her a picture of a birdchickencowcow. Last week we had looked up pictures of an armadillo. She must have heard it on tv at daycare. She likes to find things on the computer.

The Big "C"

I'm taking a few moments to blog from our hotel in Colorado. The hubby & kid are napping. We're here to visit my uncle & his family. My uncle "T" has cancer in his adrenal gland. They found it I beleive 3 years ago. They gave him 6 weeks to live. I'm not sure what all he had done (surgery & various treatments) but they got it. Then, about 6 months later it came back. They've been doing various treatments in different progams since then. I don't beleive the tumors have ever shrank but they have not since grown. Just recently he was kicked out of his program he was in because his protein levels were elevated so they would no longer allow him to be there. As they're scrambling to find him a new program to get in to, they find out he's got tumors on his heart. Now they have to see if a doctor will remove them. They were supposed to find out friday, but something came up (the doctor had an emergency). Now they're hoping to get the call tuesday. Thing is, I hear his chances of making it through the surgery are not very good. However, if he doesn't have the surgery, he's looking at a heart attack anytime or pnemonia and dieing from that. He's pretty well damned if he does & damned if he doesn't. As much as all this sucks, it's worse. He's got three small children. The oldest is 10, then 8 & 6.
So, at his request we've all converged on his house for the long weekend (about 40 of us). I haven't seen him for a couple months and I have to say, he looks horrible. He is sooo thin & exhausted looking. There is concern amongst the family that this is it. That the next time we all gather will be for his funeral. Everyone is scared that he won't even make it to Thanksgiving. To try to be positive, he's had 3 more years with his children than the doctors ever thought he would, but that is little comfort. Not being around him and his wife & kids a lot, I wonder how much of it they get. If they've even been told that daddy won't be around much longer.

*UPDATE*
Found out yesterday that they are unable to operate. I guess now that just have to decide what treatment options are available.

On Parenting....

My greatest hope is that my daughter (and any future children) don't HATE me. This is not the petty "I hate my parents because they won't let me ______". I'm talking about the plotting to run away, despise your parents, miserable existance of a childhood that you're actually considering killing yourself to not have to be around them HATE. Yup, that was me.

My Mom & Stepdad:
There was a point that I truly HATED my parents. I'm not sure of all the reasons why. To be honest, I try not to think about it. I was miserable. We get along now & I'm a little worried that I would start to hate them again if I tried to figure out the whole mess.
During the summers my older sister & I would have to watch our 3 younger siblings all the time. We were very rarely allowed to go do things with our friends. If they did call and ask it woud take a minimum of 20 minutes to get an answer then it was usually "no", so eventually friends quit calling.
If I were to get in trouble for something, it wasn't a you did this wrong, this is your punishment. It was several hours of yelling and fighting with nothing resolved. Depending on what it was, sometimes the belt came out. Oh yeah, good fun.
I got in trouble if I didn't have good grades. Yeah, you're thinking "who didn't". However, the screwed up part of this whole system? When I got home from school, I had chores to do (laundry for a familiy of 7), dishes etc. not to mention watching the younger siblings. Then there was fixing supper, then guess what, dishes again. So after all of this was done, we were allowed to do homework until our bedtime. Let me tell you. This was not much time. This whole screwed up parent thing was just my mom & stepdad. My dad is a whole 'nother thing.

*let me just say, it got much worse than this. I just can't get into it right now (or maybe ever)

My Dad:
My dad was absent to say the least. We would see him in the summers for awhile. You know how many times I have spoken to my father in the last six or more years? Twice. Do you know why I spoke to him? Wrong. Fucking. Number. I gave him my cell phone number probably shortly after I got it in 1998. My dad called me somtime in early 2006. I didn't even know who he was at first. By the end of our short conversation I was pretty sure it was him only because he sounded a little like my grandpa on the phone. Then he called me again I think last March. Once again wrong number. Both times he was trying to call his boss. Her name starts with an "s" so apparentley I was next to her in his cell. So, he's got my number he just has chosen not to use it. There's not much else to say about my dad. The last time I actually physically saw him? The summer that my youngest sister was born. She turns 15 next month. Now to give him a little bit of a break here, he does live in the state of Washington. I live in Kansas. So I understood that this wasn't an everyother weekend situation, but come on! One of my stepsisters lived in TX for awhile. My dad & stepmom went down for Christmas one year. I found this out from my grandma (his mom) after Christmas. Not a word from him. Even my friend Erin was able to stop in for a few hours for breakfast one morning on her way from WA to TX. Hmm, my dad won't let me know he's in the area but a college friend will.


So, those are my parents. Have I mentioned we don't hug in my family? Or say "I love you". Personally, I prefer it that way. Mostly the hugs I got when I was little were after the hours of fighting and apparently they felt a hug was necessary. Whatever. This is one thing that will not continue with me and my kids. I tell Faith I love her all the time. She gets smothered in hugs and kisses several times a day. I tell her I miss her when I haven't seen her for awhile. And she tells me she loves me too. Sometimes after I pick her up from daycare and we're on our way home, she's sitting in her carseat behind me and says "mommy, I sure missed you today."
I really truly hope to be a good parent. I want to raise my kid(s) to be happy, well adjusted and to know that they are loved. No matter what.

Happy Birthday to You!

Today is the day that 3 fabulous people were born! My sister in law turns 33 today, my niece is 5 and my friend Erin is 27! I'd sing, but it would scare children & small animals...maybe big animals too..and maybe the elderly. I better just not do it. But I hope you all have great birthdays!

Bow Chicka What!!!!!???

Picture this...a petite 3 year old girl. She's putting a puzzle together at our coffee table. Very sweetly she says.... Bow Chicka wow wow... bow chicka wow wow. Um. Yeah. Not something you hear every day! Where, you may ask, did this come from? Apparentley a commercial for Axe (I think, or some other cologne like substance). Have you seen them? Oooh, found one.
That's my baby! She's a sponge.

The Cake That Almost Wasn't

When I placed the order for Faith's birthday cake, they asked when I wanted to pick it up. I asked if I could pick it up the 30th. The lady told me that they aren't usually open on saturdays, but they would have someone there at noon and then later in the afternoon because other people had to pick things up too (they do wedding cakes, catering etc. so even though they aren't open saturdays they normally have pick-ups which I knew). I told her that noon would be best. Easy to remember and would work good becuase I knew I'd have other stuff to do in the afternoon before the party at 4:30.

At 11:30 saturday I headed out to drop Chrissy off at the vet then headed to the cake place. I arrived and parked out front at about 11:50 (I am ALWAYS early for stuff). I went ahead and tired the door, but since I was early didn't really expect it to be open. It wasn't. So, I waited around for about 20 minutes. No one came. My sister-in-law came by (her office is in the same building as the cake place). I told her my delima. We decided to go through her office to the other side of the building. Maybe their entrance on the other side would be open! It wasn't. I was worried that while I was on the other side of the building the cake lady was wondering where I was on the side I originally started out on. So, I went clear back there and the doors were still locked. I decided to call the number and got the answering machine. I left a message. I called my mom because I knew she'd picked up something before and asked which entrance she'd used. The same one I was at. So I waited some more. Then I remembered the lady on the phone telling me someone else had to pick up something at noon. Where were they at? Shouldn't that person be waiting with me wondering why the door was still locked? I'm guessing that they either cancelled or arranged to pick it up at a differnet time and they forgot about me.

I decided to call my sister. I thought she might know (or know someone who knew) the name of the lady that ran the place. The best I could hope for was to get a hold of her at home & ask if someone could come get me my cake. Rhi said she couldn't remember the last name of the lady, but she'd find out & let me know. At this point I was irritated and had a lot of other stuff I needed to do. So shortly after 1:00 I decided screw this. I had to go pick up balloons. I went to the other side of town and had just parked at the balloon store. Rhi called me back and said she had been able to get a hold of the lady and she was at the cake place. She said she been there the whole time and didn't know I was there (I had pounded on several windows and am suprised I didn't break one). She said she was going out to look for me. Well, fat lot of good that does since I was on the other freakin side of town! So I left right away and went clear back across town, hoping the whole time she wouldn't leave. I get there and what do you know, there's a small white SUV in the parking lot that WAS NOT there before. So I go in, get strange looks and someone hollers to another woman "someone's here". I get my cake, pay for it and get out of there. No sorry no nothing. Whatever. I got my cake. Which I did like how it turned out!

3 Years and Counting!

On Friday, Faith turned 3! My little smoochie-poo it getting so big! We had a party yesterday for her. We had friends & family over for cake & ice cream and food. We did the cake & ice cream first (every kids dream right? Dessert before the meal!) Well, I did it that way because this time of year people are busy so I thought we do the fun stuff then for the people who could/wanted to hang around longer, we'd feed them. I had some issues when picking up the cake, but I'll tell you about that later. I'm not really in the mood to go over that whole mess again.

So, the party. It went very well. There were 6 small children running around and there were no major problems. Of course there were a few small scuffles but that's to be expected in the 1-4 year old range. My neice whacked her brother in the head with a plastic bat. He got over it. No permanent damage! Then after Faith opened presents there was some expected squabiling because everyone wanted to play with the same things. Then everybody ate, played some more and went home! I think everybody had a pretty good time and I was EXAUSTED! We'll probably do it again next year. Good times.

Faith, enjoying a little more cake after the party was over (nothing like a 2nd piece of cake at 9:30pm)

Rounding up the balloons that are left to take inside. I think she'd had enough photos taken for the day!

Where did you get that at?

Faith: I like your shirt mommy.
Mommy: Uh, thanks (it's an old, slightly faded t-shirt).
Faith: Where did you get it?
Mommy: Um, some store.
Faith: What store mommy?
Mommy: I don't know. It's pretty old, I don't really remember.
Faith: Probably Walmart?
Mommy: Yeah, I guess. I could have gotten it there.
Faith: It's a very nice shirt mommy.

***********

Faith: Mmm, this is a good pickle mom!
Me: Yeah, I thought you'd like it. They are pretty good.
Faith: Where did you get it?
Me: At the store.
Faith: Which store?
Me: The grocery store.
Faith: Walmart or Dillons grocery store?
Me: Um, I think Dillons.
Faith: Oh, ok. It's a good pickle.


This is Faith's new thing. She will compliment you on something then ask where you got it. And if you don't know, she'll say "oh, you probably got it at Walmart". I think we shop there too much! (but we don't have much choice around here). I know she's a curious little thing and in her defense, people ask her where she gets stuff too. My only hope it that the next step in this line of questioning isn't "and how much did it cost?"

Ready, Set, Knit!

I have taught myself to knit! Yea! I've been wanting to learn for quite awhile. So I finally bought knitting for dummies and I figured it out! Nothing to get too excited over yet, I've just learned the basics but I'm diggin it. Maybe by the time it's cold again I'll be able to knit my little Faith a cute winter hat!

Take Cover!

Tuesday night. In the basement. Waiting on the TORNADO to go away. Ok, I don't know that there is actually one right outside our window or anything but we are in a tornado warning and there was one about 10 miles west of us heading our way. So, we've got Faith snoozin on the couch, Matt trying to convince Chrissy to control her tail (and sit in one place) and Matt's sister laughing at the whole thing. And I'm wondering how long we'll have to wait! It's currently 10:59pm and I would like to go to bed. I think we're actually in the warning until 4 this morning & I'm definately not waiting up the whole time! I'm hot & sweaty (I think I'll run upstairs & adjust the AC) and there's not really a comfy place to lay. Guess I'll just hang out.
Ooo! We are now out of the tornado warning! Guess we'll get Faith back to bed and take a peek outside. I hope the flowers and garden survived the hail. It sounded pretty bad for awhile.
The damage: Not much that I can tell right now! Our flower garden is pretty sad and beat up. I don't know if they can recover from the beating they took! Poor Faith will probably be sad tomorrow! We planted the seeds awhile back and they were growing very nicely. I guess I'll wait until morning (and light) to check out our garden. I don't have very high hopes for it.....

Just Another Day....Sort of

So, here we are on a lovely April day in Kansas. It is snowing.

Now the real reason for today's post. Yesterday marked one year since my miscarriage. It does not seem like it could have been a year already. It doesn't seem like it was "yesterday" but maybe like it could have been last month. Tuesday, April 4th I woke up at about 6am gushing blood like nobody's business. On my way to the bathroom I told Matt he needed to get up, NOW. So, as I'm sitting in the bathtub (which if you ever think you're having a mc, you should do. Don't sit on the toilet because they'll ask you about clots, tissue and how much you've bled. You don't know these answers if they're in the bottom of the toilet. I learned this after I bled while being preg with Faith) I told Matt to get me some clean clothes and get Faith up because we were going to the ER. We got there and I'm sure I was a sight, what with dried blood caked on me and fresh still running everywhere. While they were trying to figure out what exactly was going on with me they removed ping pong ball sized blood clots from me. Yup, nice visual huh? The hopefull thought was that there was not any tissue, just blood & clots. So eventually they did a sonogram. Then shortly after that we found out the baby had died. Then, shortly after that they were able to get me in for a D&C at around 10 or 10:30 am (since I hadn't eaten anything for however many hours we didn't have to wait and they also just happened to have an opening in surgery). All this time I was pretty much numb. I don't think I really cried. I think partially because I was thinking maybe they were wrong and that it wasn't true and the baby really was okay. As I was laying on the table, all drugged up, covered in warm blankets and as they were putting me out, I started to cry. The next thing I remember is feeling like I was asleep and my back hurt very very badly. So I rolled onto my side thinking it would feel better. As I did this I heard someone talking to me & I kind of mumbled something. Then the same woman said "her blood pressure just dropped, get her off her side and back onto her back, now." The next thing I remember I was finally waking up and Matt was there sitting by me. I was still out of it & sleeping off & on. At about 5 I think, the nurses in recovery started trying to get me up and moving around. I was still bleeding pretty good. So, I'm up and heading to the bathroom to pee (ya know how nurses are about making you go before you can leave). We get there, I sit down and tell the nurse I'm not feeling too well. As things go black and I pass out I hear the nurse yell for the other nurse to come help her. Then I'm back in the bed where I started. Did you know that a D&C is an out-patient procedure? You're supposed to be able to go home afterwards and be sad and miserable in your own bed. Not me. No, I have to go to the floor and stay the night. Now in my particular hospital (don't know about yours) they have the women's center. This is where you stay if you are in the hospital for any woman specific ailment or event. Hysterectmy (sp), D&C or birth. Yup, that's right. You, Sharona have just lost your baby.....Bob, tell her what she's won....Why, a not all expense paid night on the same floor as scores of mother's who have just given birth! You can even listen to the new babies cry all night for free! So, the night sucked and I got out of there the next morning. Shortly after I got home I started looking for tattoo ideas. I had decided that I was getting one I just wasn't sure what yet. I told my husband about the idea, he wasn't real thrilled. He's not much of a tatto guy. I thought about it off and on and never really committed to doing it for multiple reasons. So, here we are a year later. We have not been able to get pregnant again yet, not too sure why. As I was laying in bed monday night at 11:30 I decided I was getting my tattoo. Angel wings on my left wrist. I told Matt my decision the next morning. He asked if I was having a crisis. More like finally dealing with it, not starting a new one. I reminded him I had been thinking about this for awhile. He said I hadn't said anything about it for quite some time. Well, yes, but I'd still been thinking about it. I was so serious that had it been possible I would have gotten out of bed at 11:31 and went and got it had there been a place open. Tuesday I called and made an appointment. The next one available? May 2nd at 10:30 am. I took it because I really didn't have much other choice. Wednesday at noon I went to look at tattoo designs & hope to talk to Lee about mine if he wasn't too busy. When I went in & was looking through stuff I heard Lee talking to the other guy about a cancellation for tomorrow (today). I asked the guy up front what time the cancellation was & if I could get in. I could and I did. At 1pm today I got my first tattoo. It totally looks better in person. I love it, it's like it was always meant to be there. Angel wings for my sweet little baby. I don't know if I was going to have a boy or a girl. I was too numb/scared to ask about it at the time and I don't know if they have any record of it. The next time I go in I'll ask (if I'm feeling brave). As far as the whole tattoo experience? LOVED IT. It didn't hurt near as much as I expected. It was fun and I would totally do it again. (thing is, I don't know that I want anymore tattoos! But the experience was fun!)