On the Verge of a Breakdown

I need to cry. I've needed to have a good cry for awhile now but I just can't. I don't like to cry in front of people. It's one thing if it's just tears, but I need a big 'ol sobfest by myself. It's kind of hard to schedule that between work & an almost 4 year old who won't even leave you alone long enough to pee. That and my husband would worry something was wrong with me if I did it while he was around!
So, adding to my already hormonal state is the frustration I have at work of the new girl who has quit but won't leave. (she's being nice & helping out until the new new girl starts. Thoughtful of her yes but she irritates the hell out of me). I told my boss the other day if they leave me alone with her for a whole day again I will cry. Then there is the worry of the baby. I'm not as daily worried about something happening to him, however now my problem is....how much worse it would be if something happened NOW. At this late in the game it just scares me even more. So, that is my daily stress and cause to cry.
Another addition; my mom called tonight to tell me she has taken my stepdad to the hospital again. They did this several months ago. Basically there was concern that he was having a heart attack. They never did figure out what was wrong but he was released. So, it's kind of a similar thing today. They've admitted him for obserevation again and will wait to see what they see. In this same call my mom also tells me about Uncle T. Apparently earlier today they had to call an ambulance to take him to the hospital. He had a high fever and extremely low blood pressure. My uncle C called my mom to tell her this shortly after my stepdad was being checked out at the hospital. He then called back later with an update. One of my aunts had just spoken to the nurse and she told them if they were planning on coming to see him they had better hurry.
We'll see how this all pans out. Maybe I'll send the husband & the daughter to the store tomorrow after work. I'll give them a long list.

My Shadow Babies

My cousin M was pregnant at the same time I was. My due date was Oct 24, 2006 and she was due several days before or after me (I can't remember right now). What really added to the fun was that her daughter B is only 4 days older than Faith. So, both our kids would have had very close birthdays. After I lost our baby it was pretty difficult to know she would be having a baby when I was supposed to be due. The upside is that she lives on CO and so it's not like I had to see her all the time. The downside (or more in your face you have no baby side) was that baby T was born exactly on my due date. The first time I saw her and held her was very difficult. We were all out at my aunt's house for Thanksgiving. What made it more difficult is that it seemed to me that my entire family had forgotten about ME and MY baby. Yes, I felt selfish thinking it and I wouldn't dream of saying anything but it made me feel very alone. It took a little while, although not as long as I would have thought, to be able to play with T & not constantly be thinking something along the lines of "this would be what my baby was doing".

Here's my sweetie T. Poor little thing was drooling all over because she was starting to get teeth.

My second shadow baby was just born recently. My husbands cousin & his girlfriend found out unexpectedly that they were pregnant. They, too, live in CO. Although I don't get to see her very often it was on my mind. I think so far the situation has been helped by me being pregnant again. I'm spending more time worrying about this baby I guess. After finding out we were having a boy, this is who I sent all of my baby girl clothes home with. S was actually due a few days before my June 10th due date. Her daughter was born May 28th. It's actually a good thing we sent all of those clothes with them, the only things that fit her when they took her home were Faith's preemie clothes. Although I've seen pictures of L I haven't met her yet & held her and got to cuddle with her & smell her sweet baby smell. She (and of course her parents) will be coming back to KS in a couple weeks & I'm really very excited to get the chance to give her some lovin.

By the looks of her sweet chubby cheeks, you wouldn't think she was just over 6 lbs when she was born!

What a Horrible Person

I could not beleive this story when I read it. It is insane.

"What we got from witnesses is he was punching, slapping, kicking, stomping, shaking," Singh said. "They tried to intervene and get involved, but their efforts really didn't have an effect. The suspect was engaged in what he was doing. He just pushed them off and went back to it."

I know it says people tried to stop him. But how hard did they try, really? I can understand the elderly couple that stopped maybe not being able to do much. But what about all the other people? Some try to fight the asshole off, or at least distract him, while someone else picks up the child & puts him in a car. Maybe it was because he was big, angry and strong. I'm not just for random violence, but get your damn tire iron out of your car & use it on the guy. I'm sure it seems more simple to me sitting here to say that than it was to the people there at the time but it just seems like they didn't try hard enough. Which, really, is probably what they are all thinking too.

A sheriff's helicopter responding to emergency calls from the area landed in a cow pasture at 10:19 p.m. carrying a Modesto police officer who shot the man to death after he refused an order to stop beating the child, Singh said.

A co-worker and I were discussing this & she said that if the police had to shoot him to get him to stop, how were the other people supposed to stop him? I pointed out to her that it says nothing about the police trying to physically stop him before resorting to shooting him (she seemed to think that they shot him after they could not physically restrain him). I just cannot imagine what this poor little boy went through. Was his whole (short) life this abusive? It may sound bad, but I hope he died early on in the beating/murder so he didn't have to feel it. Poor baby, at least he's not hurting anymore.

Dreams I Hate

Sometimes, I have very vivid dreams. One such type I have is when I have some weird dream about someone I know and in this dream, something happens and I am angry at this person. And when I wake up, I am still pissed at this person but I'm not really sure why. Usually within a short period of time of waking up I remember the dream & why I was mad. Then I think, silly me, it was just a dream! Yet, I still spend the rest of the day mad. And hoping I don't run into the person because although I've never yelled at that person or anything, I am usually a little short with them even while making a concious effort not to be because I know it was just a gosh darn dream.

Then, there are the dreams of old flames. There is one in particular. I remember what it feels like when we kissed. I can feel all of those old feelings. Not that I'm trying too, it just happens. Some may think, what a sweet memory of what you had. But, it's more a memory of what I couldn't have. He was married. That's about as far as it went because I knew he was married, he knew he was married. We both wanted more but it could not happen. We were friends and it went a little too far. We stopped it before anything more happened.

And, my least favorite. When something happens to my daughter. Like last nights dream. I can't remember all the details up the the worst part. But, I remember going in to a hospital and Faith was bleeding. A lot. Gushing blood from the upper left side of her chest and I was standing at her head, with my hands over where she was bleeding from and putting pressure on it, trying to get it to stop. And Faith was just lying there, motionless and quiet. All pale. Then as soon as someone in the hospital got the bleeding to stop, she started bleeding from the upper right side of her chest and so I had my hands over that. Then finally they made me get out of the way and I was just standing there, watching her bleed and probably die. I woke up crying and scared. Heck, I've started crying as I'm tying this. The image of your daughter bleeding and dying is hard to get out of your head, even if it is only a dream.

And, one of the joys of being pregnant, you have crazy ass dreams. So, these types of dreams are more vivid and more often now.

The Placenta......the disposable organ

First of all, did you know that the placenta is an organ? It's the only organ that is grown for it's purpose and then, when no longer usefull it is disposed of. So, why am I regaling you with planceta info?
I finally heard back from the doctors office today on the offical report from my sonogram (it completely skipped my mind that they have tuesdays off). Directly from the nurse "there is no previa noted". Hot damn! My placenta moved out of the way!

Pffftt.

So, the other day I had a woman I have interaction with on a daily basis and who knows the basics of my baby drama history ask if I was tired of being pregnant yet. She's not the first to ask me this.
Let me just put this out there. I'm just over half way through this pregnancy. No freakin way am I ready for this kid to come out yet. In any way shape or form.

Little Babyface

I had another sonogram today. The baby is looking good and still measuring about a week ahead. The sono tech said that it looks like the placenta has moved but I'll have to wait for the report to find out how much. I should know tomorrow! If it hasn't moved enough, I'll probably have to have another sono in another 6-8 weeks to check on it again.

So, here's my little man

Kick Baby Kick!

I can feel our little man kicking from the outside now! I knew the kicks were getting stronger but I had not been able to feel it with my hand on my belly. Now I can! How fun! I can't wait until Faith gets home from Grandma's and have her feel it!
Speaking of which, she's hilarious. She'll tickle my belly then lay her head on me. She look up at me and say "I heard brother laugh!" And she'll give him hugs & kisses.
It's hard for me to belive that I'm already just over half way there. Wow. I have another doctor apointment this friday & at that time I'll get my next sono scheduled. We'll see if that placenta's moved at all.